BIB 



LESSONS ON MANNE 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



Chap.. Copyright No..__„. 

Shelt-C,.4Xl53 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



Lessons on Manners 



ARRANGED FOR 

GRAMMAR SCHOOLS, HIGH SCHOOLS 
AND ACADEMIES 



BY 

JULIA M. DEWEY 

Author of 11 How to Teach Manners'''' and 
"Ethics for Home and School" 



COPYRIGHT, 1899, BY HINDS & NOBLE 



HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers 
4-5-6-12-13-14 Cooper Institute, New York City 



TWO COPIES RECEIVED, 

COPY, Library of d©s?gp©0 % 

Office © f the 

DEGfl-lKtig- 

/A 

Register of Copyright ,*) 

48565 ~ 
Of Interest To You 

We have a more thoroughly per- 
fected system and better facilities for 
furnishing promptly books of all pub- 
lishers than any other house in the 
country. 

Our business is divided into de- 
partments, each under a superintend- 
ent, so that every detail is carefully 
looked after. 

We deal only in School and College 
books, of which we carry an immense 
stock. We are able to supply at re- 
duced prices any schoolbook published. 
We issue a complete catalogue of 
these books, with a classified index. 
Send for one. 

HINDS & NOBLE 
4-5-1 3-14 Cooper Institute, New York City 



INTRODUCTION 



If every teacher were an ideal, with time and op- 
portunity to make herself an unconscious illustrator 
of all the various small details that constitute a code 
of politeness, and if, in turn, these details could be 
unconsciously apprehended by the pupils, there 
would be little need for the existence of a book on 
manners. Doubtless the perfect method of inculca- 
ting manners and morals consists in an ideal teacher 
able to create an ideal environment, and to stamp her 
own ideal attributes so deeply and indelibly upon her 
pupils as to make them invulnerable to the degrading 
influences of the street, the wretched home, or any 
other adverse condition of life into which they may 
come. In accordance with this theory a noted 
teacher of ethics, in opposing the formal teaching of 
this subject to children, advises that they be "led 
into those blind but holy ways that make goodness 
easy." It is a gracious thought gracefully expressed, 
but-impracticable in the extreme. It is like shooting 
over the mark. Conditions are far from perfection. 
The school is a limited environment, and the teacher's 
opportunity for carrying out the ideal method is cor- 
respondingly small. While the unconscious influence 

iii 



Iv 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



of the goodness and grace of manner of the teacher 
should not be unappreciated in its effect upon the 
pupil, under existing circumstances it does not do 
away with the need of direct instruction. Even in 
the good home parents will testify that it takes not 
only example but "line upon line and precept upon 
precept" to inculcate good manners with their under- 
structure of good morals. A system that has made 
for righteousness so effectually in the family ought 
not to be disregarded in the school. 

Emerson has said that "a beautiful behavior 
gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures." 
Granting the truth of this statement, manners taught 
as the outward expression of "high thoughts seated 
in a heart of courtesy" outrank in importance many 
other school subjects. As the embodiment of beau- 
tiful ideals of conduct they are most refining in their 
effect upon character. 

It may seem trivial to touch upon such simple 
things as are mentioned in this book, but a large 
majority of children will be found ignorant of them, 
and others who are familiar with them will be more 
impressed by having them dignified as a school 
subject. Matters are alluded to that do not concern 
them so much now as they will a few years later, 
but in these, as in other subjects, they are learning 
for the future. 

It is not considered necessary to outline any method 



INTRODUCTION 



V 



is to suggest in a somewhat coherent and logical 
order such material for moral instruction as shall 
come within the comprehension of the young who are 
beginning to emerge from childish things and to 
reach out for more manly and womanly ideals. 

The Author. 



CONTENTS 



LESSON I 

PAGB 

Manners in General 3 
LESSON II 

Manners at Home 11 

LESSON III 

Manners at School .... 21 

LESSON IV 

Manners on the Street 31 

LESSON V 

Manners at the Table 41 

LESSON VI 

Manners in Society 53 

LESSON VII 

Manners at Church 69 

LESSON VIII 

Manners toward the Aged and the Unfortu- 
nate 7f 

Yii 



viii CONTENTS 
LESSON IX 

PAGE 

Manners at Places of Amusement . .87 
LESSON X 

Manners in Traveling 95 

LESSON XI 

Manners in Stores and other Places of Business 107 
LESSON XII 

Manners in Making and in Receiving Gifts . 117 

LESSON XIII 
Manners in Borrowing 125 

LESSON XIV 
Manners in Correspondence and in Cards . 133 



Manners in General 

m 

Manner 
Manners 
Formal Manners 
How to Cultivate Good Manners 
Effect of Good Manners 

"Manners maketh 
the man n 



LESSON I 



MANNERS IN GENERAL 

Manner is the unconscious expression of char- 
acter,, a person being said to have a 

Manner 

charming or a gracious or a courtly 
manner, because of a habitual charm or grace or 
dignity that belongs to him, just as the bloom and per- 
fume belong to the fruit or the flower. To say of a 
girl that her manner is like that of her mother is to 
put into a sentence the story of a thousand intangible 
resemblances — tricks of speech, turns of the head, 
peculiarities of step, that were born with her. As 
straws show which way the wind blows, so these seem- 
ing trifles proclaim character in . a way not to be mis- 
understood. Manner makes itself every day, and at 
times when we are least aware of it. It will inevit- 
ably betray our temper — whether we are petulant, 
envious, sullen or amiable, tender to suffering, or 
wishful of happiness to all about us; for it is the mark 
of the soul, the outward indication of what is in the 
mind. 

Manners are sometimes called "minor morals," 

but when we learn the depth of mean- 

iii 11 Manners 

mg the great and good nave attacned to 

them we can hardly consider them of less importance 

3 



4 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



than morals themselves. Calvert says: "A gentle- 
man may brush his own shoes or clothes, or mend or 
make them, or roughen his hands with the helve, or 
foul them with dye-work, but he must not foul his 
mouth with a lie." Another writer says: "A gentle- 
man should be gentle in everything. He ought to be 
mild, calm, quiet, temperate ; not hasty in judgment, 
not overbearing, not proud." Ruskin makes courtesy 
to mean fineness of character, sensitiveness, and sym- 
pathy. Professor Lieber says : " True courtesy means 
strict honor, forbearance, generous and refined feel- 
ings, and polished deportment, to which all meanness, 
irritability, and peevish fretfulness are opposed." 
"He gentil is," said Chaucer, "who doth gentil 
dedes." Sir Philip Sidney, himself the ideal gentle- 
man, expresses the whole matter in one short phrase : 
"High thoughts seated in a heart of courtesy." Thus 
we see that good manners are not simply an external 
finish, like the polish or veneering on wood, but that 
this outer graciousness and gracefulness have their 
roots deep in a noble heart and an upright character. 
| We cannot take them off and put them on at will, jll 
they do not reach down to heart and character, they 
will be like the varnish that breaks off by hard usage 
and reveals the common wood beneath. 

While genuine courtesy springs from a well-gov- 
erned heart, there are certain particular usages of 
society helping to make life easy and agreeable that 



MANNERS IN GENERAL 



s 



we may not be able to trace to this source. Society 

is like a great machine that will not 

work smoothly until every wheel and coo* 

_ J J y manners 

is fitted to its place. Therefore it is 
best that there should be a code of social laws well 
understood and rather carefully adhered to. What 
are called "manners of society" are not only a part 
of courtesy or politeness, but they are extremely con- 
venient; and while they alone may not help us 
greatly on our way, they will smooth it, and the lack 
of them may block it altogether. There are people 
who shrink from observing these conventionalities be- 
cause they seem meaningless; such people feel it to 
be a right to make rules for themselves. When 
society enjoins absurd restrictions this feeling is 
legitimate ; but in general it will be found that social 
laws are based on common-sense views of the need of 
some uniform system of regulation, and thus based, 
they become a benevolent arrangement for the good 
of all. Moreover, if we try, we generally find it possi- 
ble to discover a meaning for these seemingly arbi- 
trary rules. For example, take so simple a thing as 
the use of the fork. The right use of it is more con- 
venient, more graceful, more refined, proof of which 
we have in our own feelings when we contemplate 
one who substitutes the knife or uses the fork as if it 
were a spear or a measure to be filled to its utmost 
capacity. 



6 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



If it is well to have these common habits and in- 
Eowto terchanges of courtesy, it is well to 
cultivate good have them in the best form, even to 
manners punctiliousness. In the cultivation of 
good manners we must, in the main, depend upon the 
things we have already considered. It is truly said : " If 
one is centrally kind, honorable, delicate, and consid- 
erate, he will almost without fail have manners that will 
admit him into any desirable circle." Still the natural 
impulse to politeness needs the most perfect outward 
expression, and there is no better way of learning what 
is its most graceful form than by observing people of 
fine manners. The "code" may be acquired from a 
book, but seeing it carried into practice gives much 
fuller instruction, since no written rules can include 
the thousand and one little courtesies that a well-bred 
person will be prompted to do when occasion arises. 

Then, too, as in other things, we learn to do "gentil 
dedes" by doing them. We may have all the knowl- 
edge of good form that the books contain, and we 
may take notice of the manners of well-bred people, 
yet if we do not put our knowledge into constant 
practice, we shall never attain that polish of manner 
which at least seems to be, and generally is, the 
evidence of inward refinement. 

The effect of good manners is two-fold. Like 
Effect of charity, it blesses him that gives and 
good manners \{ im that takes. As character leaves its 



JfA.YXEXS /A' GEXERAL 



7 



stamp upon the features and is visible in every act 
and motion, so does the outward expression of courtesy 
react upon character and help to mould it into a thing 
of grace and beauty. 

One cannot be uniformly courteous without be- 
coming quick in perception and refined in feeling. He 
cannot be truly courteous and at the same time love 
coarseness and rudeness. Emerson has called good 
manners or a "beautiful behavior" the "finest of the 
fine arts," and with reason, since the expression of 
courtesy necessitates the making of exalted ideals of 
conduct, just as a painting or a piece of statuary 
embodies perfection. While courtesy tends to 
delicacv and refinement in our own character, it also 
shows itself in respect and consideration for others. 
William Wirt well states this idea in a letter to 
his daughter. "I want to tell you a secret," he says. 
"The way to make yourself pleasing to others is to 
show that you care for them." The world is like the 
miller of [Mansfield, who cared for nobody, no, not he, 
because nobody cared for him. And the whole world 
will serve you so if you °;ive it the same cause. 
Let all, therefore, see that you do care for them, 
showing them what Sterne so happily calls "'the 
small, sweet courtesies of life, in which there is no 
parade; whose voice is to still, to ease; and which 
manifest themselves by tender and affectionate looks 
and little kind acts of attention, giving others the 



8 



LESSON'S ON MANNERS 



preference in every little enjoyment, at the table, in 
the field, sitting, or standing." 

" Manners in the high sense, are irresistible. If 
you meet the king he will recognize you as a brother. 
They are a defense against insult. All doors fly -open 
when he who wears them approaches. They cannot 
be bought. They cannot be learned from a book. 
They cannot pass from lip to lip. They come from 
within, and from a within that is grounded in truth, 
honor, delicacy, kindness and consideration/' — Mun- 
ger. 

"Give a boy address and accomplishments and you 
give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes where- 
ever he goes." — Emerson. 

"Do not underrate polish. A diamond in the 
rough may possess value, but a diamond after the 
cutter's tool has brought out its smoothness and 
beauty will command a much greater price in the 
market." — Margaret Sangster. 

QUESTIONS 

What is the difference between manner and manners? 
Discuss the morals of manners. 

Why should we obey the conventional rules of society? 
Why do some people refuse to observe conventionalities? 
How do good manners affect character? 
Are good manners of assistance in getting on in the world? 



Manners at Home 



Courtesy to Parents 



Courtesy to Brothers and Sisters 



Courtesy to Company 



Courtesy to Servants 



"True polite?iess consists in making 
everyone happy about us n 



9 



LESSON II 



MANNERS AT HOME 

In the intimacy of home we sometimes think that 
good manners can be dispensed with, but really they 
are of more importance there than anywhere else. It 
is there that we spend most of our younger days 
when we are forming habits for the future, and unless 
we begin to be courteous at this time it will be very 
difficult for us to become so later on. Then, too, the 
members of our family have stronger claims upon us 
than others. They love us most and care for us in 
sickness and in health ; therefore they are entitled 
not only to our love and obedience, but to every 
courtesy and attention we can pay them. In olden 
times parents and children treated each other with 
much greater formality than they now do. While 
the present relations between parent and child may 
be more sweet and tender, it lacks a certain fine ap- 
pearance of respect which a little more ceremony 
would supply. Silvio Pelico says: "Family inti- 
macy should never make brothers and sisters 
forget to be polite to each other. Those who con- 
tract thoughtless and rude habits toward mem- 
bers of their own families will be rude and thought- 

1 1 



12 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



less toward all the world. But let the family 
interest be true, tender, and affectionate, and the 
manners of all uniformly gentle and considerate, and 
the members of a family thus trained will carry into 
the world and society the habits of their childhood. 
They will require in their associates similar habits." 
Children should be more considerate of their par- 
Courtesy ents tri an °f themselves. The father is 
to the head of the family, and it is usually 

parents through his efforts that the children are 
furnished with food and clothing and home and the 
opportunity to obtain an education. The mother 
is the helper, and together they work to bring 
about the welfare of their children. Gratitude alone 
should lead children to defer to the wishes of a good 
father and to treat him with respect and kindness, 
showing him all those small courtesies to which he is 
entitled, and which are suggested by the love they 
bear him. A pleasant salutation upon meeting him, the 
respectful "Sir" when addressing him, solicitude 
for his comfort, and quick, cheerful obedience to his 
directions will go far in making home the happiest 
place on earth. 

The mother should receive the same deferential 
attention from son and daughter. So many little 
courtesies are due to women that greater opportuni- 
ties come to the boys than to the girls in this respect. 
A boy ought to show his mother every civility that he 



MANNERS A T HOME 



x 3 



would show to any lady. He should remove his hat 
when in the room with her or upon meeting her on the 
street, should let her pass through a door before him, 
pick up any article she may drop, give her the best 
side of the walk, help her in and out of a car or a 
carriage, accompany her to an entertainment if she 
desires it, and wait upon her everywhere. 

A boy once said to another: "You bowed to your 
mother as if you had not seen her half a dozen times 
to-day." 

"Certainly," was the reply; "a boy who doesn't 
know enough to doff his hat to his mother couldn't go 
in our set, let me tell you." 

And the boy thus answered, who was really a 
mother-loving lad, resolved to go and do likewise. 

"I know that Stanley is forgetful of politeness," 
apologized a fond mother for a son who habitually 
kept his hat on in the house, w T histled at the dinner 
table, interrupted conversation, and strewed his pos- 
sessions broadcast over parlor and sitting-room. 
" But," she continued, " boys will be boys. He will 
do better w r hen he is older." Possibly, yet the doing 
better then will be at the cost of much sharp usage 
from the w r orld, and politeness will never be the 
second nature to this boy that it will be to one who is 
never allowed to omit a courtesy at home. 

There is nothing more charming than the chival- 
rous attention that some boys lavish on their mothers 



14 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



and sisters. To the looker-on it is really "a thing of 
r , beauty," and to the receiver it must be 

to brothers "a joy forever." But while boys should 
and sisters CO mmended for this though tfulness, 

they can do no less and merit the name of gentlemen. 
No one would greatly respect a boy whose custom it 
was to let his sister go about on his errands, run up 
stairs for him, and fly hither and thither for his hat or 
his racket. A young lady visiting in a certain house 
was greatly surprised to see the boy of the family 
spring up to light the gas for his sister and quickly 
take the basket from her hand when she attempted 
to put some coal on the open fire and do the work 
himself. 

"My brother would never think of being so polite 
to me," remarked the sister. 

"So much the worse for your brother," thought 
those who heard her comment. 

Every boy ought, surely, to feel a certain guardian- 
ship over his sister, even if she is older than he, for 
as a rule he is physically the stronger and thus fitted 
to be her protector. 

Sisters should never be so rude as to fail to 
acknowledge any courtesy which their brothers pay 
them. If they consider it unladylike not to acknowl- 
edge a polite attention from a stranger or an acquaint- 
ance, they should blush to be less grateful for a simi- 
lar kindness on the part of a brother. Suppose a 



MA-Y-Y£AS AT HOME 



*5 



brother is always ready to place a chair or to open a 
door for his sister, to see that she has an escort 
after dark, to take off his hat to her on the street, 
to ask her to dance with him at a party, surely 
she should be eager to please him, to cheerfully sew 
on a stray button or mend a rip in his gloves, to 
thank him for taking pains to call for her and bring 
her home from a friend's house, to bow as politely to 
him and accept him as a partner with the same 
pleasant smile that she would have for somebody 
else's brother. 

We should acquire the habit of easy politeness in 
all circumstances, but if there is a place on earth 
where we should use freely our very best manners, it 
is in our own home with the members of our own 
family. 

''Oh, she is my mother's company. I need not 
trouble myself about her !" exclaimed a Courtesy to 
young girl. But she was not correct in company 
her opinion. Every guest that entered her parents' 
house was, to a degree, her company. Of course, 
if a visitor asks for a particular person, no one else is 
to intrude. But if she stays several days she belongs 
to the whole household, every member of which 
should try to do something to make her visit pleasant. 

If the mother has guests other members of the 
family should make special effort to help her, that she 
may have more time to spend with them; and if at 



i6 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



times she has duties that occupy her they should take 
the entertainment of the guests upon themselves, 
doing whatever they can to make the time of her ab- 
sence pass quickly and delightfully. Young people 
can pay many delicate attentions to their parents' 
guests. The easiest chair may be offered, the 
morning paper supplied, an occasional flower laid on 
the breakfast plate. Doing these things quietly and 
unobtrusively, so that the recipients will not feel that 
any exertion is made in their behalf, invests them with 
an added charm. 

If a friend comes to make a short call and is 
ushered into a room in which there are several 
members of the family, of course every one is to rise 
and receive her. Nothing can be ruder than for any 
one present to continue his reading or his game with- 
out pausing to greet whoever may enter. If it is 
necessary to leave the room, a quiet " I am sorry that 
I must ask to be excused" is proper, and allows one 
to "gang his ain gait." 

If our parents are engaged when callers come, and 
unable to see them at once, if we admit them we 
should keep them in conversation until our parents 
are at liberty, when we may quietly withdraw. If we 
find it difficult to talk interestingly to older people, we 
can at least be good listeners. No one who is busy 
with callers should be annoyed by requests that can 
wait. 



MAXXERS AT ROME 



*7 



When we have guests of our own we should enter- 
tain them to the best of our ability. If it is not in 
our power to do all we might wish for them, a sincere 
cordiality will make up for much so-called entertain- 
ment. If we give them the best we have, both in 
heart and in home, we show a fine hospitality, even if 
a humble one. We should try to treat them precisely 
as we would like to be treated in their homes. It 
would be rude to criticize their dress or to show un- 
due curiosity about their affairs. We should talk 
about matters in which they are interested, play 
the games they like, and put their preferences before 
our own in every way. 

We are obliged to ask so many things of servants 
that we ought to put our requests in as courtesy to 
courteous a manner as possible. If we servants 
can imagine ourselves in their place we can realize 
how trying it would be for us to be commanded, or 
ordered, or even mildly directed to do the numberless 
things that they have to do. A pleasant tone or a 
polite "Please" or "Kindly" does much in smoothing 
the every-day affairs of life. And a word of thanks in 
acknowledgment of a service done costs us little, and 
is as gratefully received by the humble as by the high 
in station. A servant once said, in speaking of a 
lady by whom she had been employed: "It was a 
pleasure to do anything for her, for whatever it was, 
great or small, she always had a bright smile, and a 



i8 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



pleasant i Thank you.'" If we fail in courtesy to a 
servant we show that our own manners are not up to a 
high standard. If we follow the golden rule we shall 
treat those whom we consider our inferiors as we 
would wish our superiors to treat us. 

" Every little seed of courtesy, kindness, and con- 
sideration for others sown in the home circle will 
spring up and bear many more after its own kind 
which shall be scattered like the seeds of plants, by 
winds and waters, and shall be a blessing to the 
world wherever they may fall." — Wiggin, 

QUESTIONS 

Why are good manners at home indispensable? 
Why should there be some formality between parents and 
children? 

Quote Silvio Pelico. 

Enumerate some of the courtesies of home. 
How should the younger members of a family conduct 
themselves towards their parents' company? 

Discuss the courteous treatment of servants in detail. 
How can we show unselfishness toward our guests? 



Manners at School 



m 

Politeness to Teachers 
Treatment of New Pupils 
Laughing at Mistakes or Accidents 
Courtesy to Visitors 
Raising Hands 
Quiet and Order 

Conduct at Drinking Place 
and Dressing Room 

Personal Suggestions 

Cleanliness, Neatness, Industry, 
Punctuality, etc. 



"Manners are the shadows 
of virtues ; ' 



I 9 



LESSON III 



MANNERS AT SCHOOL 

When we first go out from home it is to enter 
school, at which, for several years, we spend much of 
our time. Here our circle of associates widens, and 
we find it necessary not only to depend upon our- 
selves more, but to consider the rights of others more 
than in the smaller circle of home. Here, also, the 
relation of pupil to teacher takes the place of that of 
child to parent. Therefore it becomes a matter of 
importance that we learn the details of courteous 
conduct which the new relations make inevitable. 

In school we need to remember even more than at 
home that good manners are based upon truthfulness, 
honesty and kindness. Occasions arise for testing 
us in these things much more frequently than in 
the family. There are also certain usages peculiar 
to the school-room that would not be considered in 
order elsewhere, because unnecessary. On account 
of the greater number, less freedom is permitted and 
more formality is required than in the family, but the 
nearer the likeness to a good home the better the 
school. Generally speaking, good manners in a 
school-room and in a parlor are the same. 

21 



22 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



If pupils enter the school-room before the time for 
Politeness to opening and find a teacher there, they 

teachers should offer the customary " Good 
morning," as they would to their mother. But if they 
all enter or leave the room together, it is a laborious 
process for the teacher to bid each one "Good 
morning" or "Good afternoon." It is better for 
them to respond with cheerful cordiality to the 
teacher's salutation after they are all assembled or to 
her "Good afternoon" just previous to their departure. 
Boys should take off their hats before entering the 
school-room, and in leaving should not put them on 
until they have passed every teacher in school-room 
and corridor. 

Sometimes pupils who know perfectly well how 
impolite it is to interrupt one who is speaking do not 
appear to consider it unmannerly to interrupt a 
teacher by raising the hand and even shaking it in 
her face. It would seem absurd to do this outside of 
a school-room, and if allowed there, it should be put 
down as bad form. 

When the teacher is busy with company pupils 
should not take advantage of the fact to indulge in 
doing what they would not do if her attention were 
not withdrawn. This would be unkindness. 

Pupils should be thoughtful in assisting a teacher, 
whenever it is possible, by handing anything needed 
and by waiting upon her in various ways. Boys 



MANNERS AT SCHOOL 



2 3 



especially should be quick to help in cleaning black- 
boards, in lifting heavy articles, or in picking up 
anything accidentally dropped. 

The teacher should be addressed by her own name. 
The indefinite title "Teacher" is not courteous. In 
asking a question of her, her name should be spoken 
unhesitatingly, and in replying, unless in recitation, 
the name should follow the answer. Pupils will 
hardly err in this little politeness by speaking the 
name too often. 

When a new pupil enters school those who are 
already accustomed to the place should Treatment of 
do whatever they can to make him feel new pupils 
at home. They should help him to become acquainted 
with the others, tell him about the regulations of the 
school, and show him kindness in every way. They 
should not stare at him when he enters the room or 
rises to recite, nor smile at any peculiarity he may 
exhibit. They should ask him to join in the games 
at recess and try to make him forget that he is a 
stranger. If he is awkward or crippled or unfortunate 
in any way, it should not be noticed except by in- 
creased sympathy. 

Young people are usually fond of laughing. 

Their feelings lie so near the surface T . . . 

& Laughing at 

that they are apt to bubble over without mistakes or 
much regard to time and place. And accidents 
so in school they are often thoughtlessly merry at 



2 4 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



the wrong time, and thus hurt the feelings of some 
sensitive schoolmate. It is not only ill-bred but cruel 
to laugh at awkwardness or oddity of manner or speech, 
or at mistakes. A pupil makes a blunder in reading 
and the class titters. ".Put yourself in his place" is 
a good motto for that class. If an accident happens 
to the dress or property of teacher or classmate we 
should offer assistance if we can be of use, or else 
not appear to see it. 

When visitors are present pupils ought to show 
Courtesy respect for them as well as for their 
to teacher by being quiet and orderly and 
visitors ^ acquitting themselves as creditably as 
possible. While they should not be so forward as to 
be considered officious, they should not omit any 
courtesy which it seems proper to offer. It must be 
remembered that to one unaccustomed to a school- 
room it is quite a trying ordeal to encounter the gaze 
of so many eyes; consequently there should be no 
rude staring when a visitor enters the room. If it is 
not convenient for a teacher to do so, a pupil near the 
door should open it to the visitor and provide a chair, 
and show any other attention that he would in his 
own home. 

A disagreeable custom is that of raising the 
Raising hand, especially at the wrong time. If 
hands a pupil hesitates or makes a slight mis- 
take in reading or in reciting, before he has a 



MANNERS AT SCHOOL 



25 



chance to recover himself a dozen hands are shaking 
and waving around him, until he fails entirely from 
confusion and embarrassment. This is sometimes 
considered an expression of enthusiasm on the part of 
pupils, but a better name for it is rudeness. To 
raise the hand when a teacher or pupil is speaking is 
in as bad taste as to interrupt him with a remark or 
a question. 

It is absolutely necessary that the work of the school 
should be done quietly and in order. 
Whispering, loud studying, walking nois- ^^^^ 
ily, slamming books and scraping the 
feet on the floor, if indulged in by all, would make an 
unbearable din, and if indulged in by a few would 
disturb the rest. The true spirit in a school is that 
each shall contribute to the highest good of all. 

When materials are distributed to the class, articles 
should be placed noiselessly and politely, and the 
collecting done in the same way. 

When many pupils are waiting for a drink at recess 

there is usually a good deal of pushing 

y . F S Conduct at 

and crowding, each being eager to serve drinking place 

himself first. The proper thing is for and dressing- 
each to stand back until his turn comes. 
By so doing time is saved and the spirit of selfishness 
weakened. When boys and girls wait together every 
well-bred boy will allow the girls to drink first, and 
every well-bred girl who accepts the courtesy will 



26 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



acknowledge it politely. Another place in which 
selfishness and rudeness are often displayed is the 
dressing-room. There, too, each one should wait his 
turn, and if necessary, assist others in putting on 
coats and wraps. 

When a teacher claims our attention we should 
avoid "fussing" with pencil, string, pen, 

suggestions or an y thin g else - No matter how in- 
significant the object may be, it serves to 
distract our thoughts and to annoy the teacher. When 
our hands are not occupied with books or other things 
as directed by a teacher they should be kept in repose. 

If we have a desk-mate it is only right to give him 
full share of seat, desk, and shelf. 

We should never slide down in our seat nor lounge 
in the school-room, and when reciting we should 
stand erect and on both feet, without leaning on the 
desk. Neither should we swing the feet nor keep 
them in constant motion. All these actions are in- 
consistent with the best manners. 

We should hand a book right side up, and a pencil, 
pen, or pointer by the blunt end. 

Proper respect for the school will keep us from 
throwing on the grounds, or on the steps of the 
buildings, or on the floors of the corridors or rooms 
whatever is unsightly. The same may be said with 
reference to chalk or pencil marks or anything that 
defaces the buildings or the furniture. 



MAXXERS AT SCHOOL 



?7 



We should not call from the outside to a pupil in a 
school-room, nor from the school-room to some one 
outside, nor should we look in at the windows. 

It is polite to rap before entering any school-room 
but our own, or any teacher's office. 

Eating in school is decidedly in bad form. 

If " manners are the shadows of virtues/' all those 
desirable habits acquired at school — Cleanliness 
such as industry, perseverance, punctual- neatness, 
ity, honesty, truthfulness and others — punctuality 
are to be considered as courteous. They etc. 
surely are proof of respect for school authority, and 
respectful conduct, or regard for the rights of others, 
ensures politeness. Cleanliness, neatness, and order 
are also essential school virtues. One reason, then, 
why we ought to cultivate all these characteristics is 
that their shadows will always follow us. 



QUESTIONS 

Why are our manners tested more severely in school than at 
home ? 

Mention the courtesies due a teacher. 
Discuss the treatment of new pupils. 

Show how hand-raising in school is sometimes ill-mannered. 
Mention some other impolitenesses of the school-room. 
What is the true spirit of a school? How may it be shown? 



Manners on the Street 



mi 

Street Dress and Manner 
Meeting and Passing People 
Recognition and Salutation 
Obstructing the Sidewalk 
Civility in Rendering Assistance 
Carrying Packages and Umbrellas 
Staring at Windows of Private Houses 
Giving and Receiving Information 
Eating on the Street 



"What a fine natural courtesy was his! 
His nod was pleasure, and his full bow bliss." 



2 9 



LESSON IV 



MANNERS ON THE STREET 

Good manners are so necessary everywhere that, 
with propriety, we can hardly compare their impor- 
tance in different places. But because so many see 
us on the street who never see us elsewhere we are 
largely judged by our own behavior there, and for 
that reason we should exercise great care not to bring 
ourselves under the ban of unpleasant criticism. Not 
only are we alone censured, but our home and school, 
and even our friends and associates, have to take 
their share of the blame when our street manners fall 
below the standard. 

A person of good taste will never appear on the 
street in a costume that is likely to at- street dress 
tract attention. It may be as fine as one and 
pleases, but it should not be conspicuous. 
Colors of quiet tone and the prevailing but not the 
extreme fashion mark the well-bred person. A showy, 
gaudy style of dress indicates a vain and vulgar mind. 

Noisy and boisterous conduct on the street is 
always unbecoming. Boys and girls who indulge in 
loud talk or laughter there inevitably subject them- 
selves to the charge of rudeness. 

3* 



3 2 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



If we desire to speak to a person on the other side 
of the street, the proper way is not to call to him, but 
to cross over and speak. Anything done on the 
street for the purpose of attracting attention is entirely 
out of order, except, of course, in case of accident 
or emergency. 

If we wish to look behind us we should not twist 
the head around, but should turn the whole body. 
It is considered rude to turn and look at a person 
after he has passed by. This is not a new rule of 
politeness. When Diogenes observed a victor in the 
Olympic games twisting his neck as he sat in his 
chariot, that he might take the better view of some 
trifling thing, "Look," says he, "what a worthy 
gamester goes there, that even the unworthy thing 
can turn him which way it lists. These busy-brained 
people do so twist and turn themselves to every frivo- 
lous show, as if they had acquired a verticity in their 
heads by their custom of gazing at all things round 
about them." 

A complaint often made against school-children is 
Meeting tnat they are inclined to be thoughtless 
and passing and selfish in not giving those whom 
people they meet their share of the walk in 
passing. It is no unusual occurrence for three or 
four girls to promenade arm in arm, forming so solid 
a "phalanx" that one going in the opposite direction 
is obliged to step off the walk in order to pass. The 



MANNERS ON THE STREET 



3 5 



better way is not to link arms on the street and for 
the younger person to give the older the larger part 
or, if necessary, the whole of the walk. Boys often 
play so roughly as to jostle against passers-by. This 
is rude at all times, but when it happens, at least 
suitable apology should be made. In meeting any 
one the rule is to turn to the right, but in the 
crowded thoroughfares of large cities this is some- 
times impossible. 

Friends and acquaintances should be recognized on 
the street. It is better to err in carry- Recognition 

ing this courtesy to excess rather than and 

, . ... salutation 

to pass one by without recognition. 

It is better to try to see people than to try not 
to see them. It is the custom for a laclv to recog- 
nize a gentleman first, but this formality holds with 
chance acquaintances rather than with people whom 
we.know well or with intimate friends. A gentleman 
raises his hat to gentlemen and takes it off to ladies 
whom he knows. He also takes it off when he meets 
gentlemen to whom he wishes to show special 
courtesy. If a gentleman is walking or driving with 
a lady he should take off his hat to any lady whom 
she recognizes. 

The lifted hat is a sign of respect from one person 
to another, a brief way of saying without words: "I 
hold you in honor, and am glad to do so." Recog- 
nition should be accompanied by a salutation given in 



34 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



a pleasant, genial, and respectful tone of voice, and 
never with the rising inflection. The name should 
be added to the salutation, as "Good morning, Miss 
White." The face should express esteem to acquaint- 
ances and cordiality to friends. If these rules seem 
arbitrary and meaningless, let us remember how im- 
pertinent seems a patronizing nod or a curt "Good 
evening" without the lifting of the hat. Mr. Lowell 
has intimated how much such courtesies may imply. 
Perfection in these matters is no trifle. 

It is not considered well-bred for people to gather 
Obstructing m groups or crowds on the walk so as 
the sidewalk to obstruct the way. If two persons 
meet who wish to converse with each other, instead 
of stopping they should walk along together. If a 
gentleman and a lady wish to talk with each other, 
the gentleman should walk in the direction in which 
the lady is going. Protracted conversation on the 
street is not in good form. 

When a lady accidentally drops anything on the 

street, any gentleman who is near, 
Civility in . 

rendering whether an acquaintance or not, should 
assistance pj c j^ ft U p anc j h an( j ft j- her. The lady 

should acknowledge this courtesy. As the gentle- 
man passes on he should touch his hat to the 
lady. This civility of picking up things or of 
rendering any needed assistance ought to be 
ghown by either girls or boys to elderly or infirm 



MANNERS ON THE STREET 



35 



people. A good illustration of this point recently 
occurred : 

"I beg your pardon," and with a smile and a touch 
of his cap Harry Edmans handed to an old man, 
against whom he had accidentally stumbled, the staff 
which he had knocked from his hand. "I hope I did 
not hurt you. We were playing too roughly." 

"Not a bit of it," said the old man. "Boys will 
be boys, and it's best they should be. You did not 
harm me." 

"I am glad to hear it," and lifting his cap again 
Harry turned to join his playmate. 

"Why do you touch your cap to that old fellow?" 
asked his companion. "He is only old Giles, the 
huckster." 

"That makes no difference," said Harry. "The 
question is not whether he is a gentleman, but 
whether I am one. No true gentleman will be less 
polite to a man because he wears a shabby coat or 
sells vegetables on the street." 

When a gentleman is walking with a lady it is 
courteous for him to offer to carry her Carrying 
packages or any wraps that she is not packages and 
wearing. If it is raining he should 
hold the umbrella in such a manner as to afford her 
the greatest protection. In meeting people with 
open umbrellas they should be given their share of 
the passageway. 



36 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



Xenocrates, a long time ago, commented on this 
Staring at P°i nt in a vei 7 suggestive manner: 
windows of "One remedy of an idle curiosity is 
private houses fa&t we accustom ourselves in passing 
by not to peep in at other men's doors or windows, 
for in this case the hand and eye are much alike 
guilty. One may as well go as look into another 
man's house, because the eye may reach what the 
hand cannot, and wander where the foot does not 
come. And besides, it is neither genteel nor civil 
thus to gaze about. The very staring and glancing 
of the eyes to and fro imply such a levity of mind 
and so great a defect in good manners, as must needs 
render the practice in itself very clownish and con- 
temptible." 

When we have occasion to ask a question of a 
Giving and stranger we ought to clothe it in polite 
receiving language, and when the information is 
information gj ven> suitable acknowledgment of the 
favor should be made. If strangers inquire the 
way of us we should give them directions with 
clearness, and cheerfully go out of our way, if 
necessary, to point out the street or place they are 
looking for. 

Sometimes we see on the street persons who are 
confused and bewildered, not knowing which way to 
go. In such cases we should offer our assistance, 
and if possible help them out of their difficulty, even 



MANNERS ON THE STREET 



37 



at the cost of time and trouble. An eyewitness 
relates the following illustrative incident: 

"As I was walking along a street of a large city I 
saw. an old man, who seemed to be blind, walking 
along without any one to lead him. He went very 
slowly, feeling with his cane, and was walking 
straight to the curbing. Just then a boy, who was 
playing near the corner, left his playmates, ran up to 
the old man, put his hand through his arm and said : 
'Let me lead you across the street.' He not only 
helped him over one crossing but led him over 
another, to the lower side of the street. Now this 
boy thought he had only done a kindness to a poor 
old man, but in reality he had taught a lesson of 
true politeness to his playmates and to every person 
who saw the act." 

To chew gum or to eat anything on the street is 
exceedingly bad manners. It is not an Eating on the 
uncommon sight to see a person eat a street 
banana or an orange and throw the peel upon the 
sidewalk. Not only is the act of eating in a public 
place ill-bred, but the walk is made unsightly and 
the limbs of pedestrians endangered. 

QUESTIONS 

Why are street manners of great importance? 

Speak of the proprieties in street dress. 

Give the application of the incident regarding Diogenes. 



3* 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



What reason for the criticism of school children upon the 
sidewalk ? 

What is the meaning of the lifted hat? 

Should a salutation be given with the rising inflection? 

What does Xenocrates say of idle curiosity? 



Manners at the Table 



Deference to the One who 
Presides at Table 

Details of Sitting. Rising, etc. 

Waiting One's Turn to be Served 

Polite Phraseology at the Table 

How to Eat 

Use of Knife. Fork, and Spoon 

Conversation 

Unselfishness 

Accidents 

Hospitality 

^Familiarity with table etiquette can be learned only by the 
practice of courtesies which are acknowledged 
to be sensible and beaut if uV 



39 



LESSON V 



MANNERS AT THE TABLE 

For young people especially the table furnishes a 
valuable training in self-control. Indeed, the whole 
essence of good manners is comprehended in keeping 
self in the background and thinking first of the com- 
fort and convenience of our neighbors. But at the 
table a double duty is called for, inasmuch as the 
appetite is to be held in check and certain rules of table 
etiquette are to be complied with. Although it is 
necessary to satisfy hunger, it is a requirement of 
our lower nature, and we should try to invest our 
manner of eating with enough refinement and delicacy 
to distinguish us, in this respect, from the brute. In 
order to eat with propriety and grace we must begin 
to observe table manners when young and constantly 
practise them in the home; otherwise when we 
attempt them in other places we shall seem rustic and 
awkward, 

Promptness at table is a mark of good manners. 

When the summons to a meal is given Deference to 

it should be obeyed at once, as food the one who 

J . presides at 

does not improve by waiting, and it table 

is annoying to the one who prepares it to have 

41 



42 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



to delay the serving. Tardiness is also disrespectful 
to those at whose table we sit, whether in our own 
homes or elsewhere. We should take our seat at the 
table when the lady of the house takes hers and rise 
only when she gives the signal. If necessary to 
leave the table before the meal is over, permis- 
sion should be asked of her. 

We should sit reasonably close to the table — 
Details of neither too near nor so far away that 
sitting, rising, we are obliged to sit on the edge of the 
etc ' chair or to lean forward. The elbows 
should not be placed on the table nor spread in cut- 
ting meat or other food. The napkin may be placed 
in the lap when we first sit down; it is in bad form 
to tuck it under the chin or in the vest. While 
waiting to be served, or at any other time, table 
articles should be left untouched unless in use; 
handling or playing with them does not indicate fine 
manners. When not usefully employed the hands 
should be folded in the lap. There should be no 
reaching after things on the table. If servants are 
not near we should ask politely of some one that the 
dish be passed. When small dishes are used in 
serving vegetables or fruit they should not be taken 
in the hand, but left on the table. A toothpick 
should never be used at table nor anywhere else 
unless we are entirely alone. In rising, the chair 
should not be pushed back noisily, but quietly, and 



MANNERS A T THE TABLE 



43 



just far enough to enable us to rise easily. Every 
movement at the table should be made with as little 
noise as possible. All moving of feet, leaning upon 
the table, clattering of knives, forks and dishes show 
ignorance of good manners. 

The old or the honored guests should be served 
first, that is, if they are ladies. Each Wa i t i ng one > s 
one should wait his turn, never seeming turn to be 
in great haste. Sometimes children 
who are very hungry find it hard to do this, 
and pass their plates as soon as they are seated. 
They ought, rather, to wait for visitors and older 
persons to be helped first, and brothers should wait for 
sisters. It is impolite to ask for things not on the 
table in other houses than our own or those of inti- 
mate friends. The people at whose table we sit are 
expected to supply our wants without our making 
them known. If a plate of food is sent to a person at 
the table he should keep it unless told to pass it to 
some one else. It is proper to begin eating when 
first served, but there should be no indecorous eager- 
ness. Dessert should not be eaten until all are served. 

When it is desired that any article on Polite p h rase _ 
the table be passed a servant should be ology at the 
asked to bring it, if there is one in 
attendance. The request should be made as politely 
of a servant as of any one else. Courteous speech 
should be as freely used here as in other places. The 



44 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



frequent " Please," or "I would thank you," or " Will 
you be kind enough?" adds grace to the meal. When 
offered anything at table the acceptance should be 
accompanied by " Thank you." If anything is de- 
clined it should be with " No, I thank you," or " Not 
any, I thank you." 

The question of how to eat is almost as important 

as what to eat. The proper chewing 
How to eat rr _ . , • 

or rood is as necessary to good digestion 

as it is to refinement of manners. Americans, as 
a rule, eat too rapidly, which induces ill health and 
causes them to be set down by their English brethren 
as coarse and ill-mannered. If this habit is formed in 
childhood it will be hard to overcome and will prob- 
ably cause us much chagrin sometime, when we are 
dining out, and find our own plate empty long before 
well-bred people in the company have finished 
theirs. Since we do not leave the table before others 
there is no time gained, but it is rather lost in being 
unhygienic and ill-mannered. We should not fill 
the mouth too full, nor chew the food so as to be 
heard. We should never smack the lips in eating 
nor draw in the breath when eating soup. No at- 
tempt should be made to consume the last drop of 
soup nor the last morsel of food on the plate. 

When taking tea or coffee it is the present custom \ 
to drink from the cup rather than from the saucer. 
On a certain occasion two ladies from an obscure 



MANNERS AT THE TABLE 



45 



town were invited to dine with the royal family. 
When tea was brought in these ladies, unaccustomed to 
the ways of city and court, poured some tea from the 
cup into the saucer to cool it. The king saw a 
smile go around the table at their expense, and with 
a politeness worthy of a king he also poured his own 
tea into the saucer. On seeing this every person at 
the table felt obliged to follow the sovereign's example, 
and the two strangers were spared the mortification 
of discovering that they had done anything unusual. 

O J J (J 

This story illustrates a good point in courtesy. It is 
well to observe conventional rules of politeness, but 
never when the spirit of kindness has to be sacrificed. 

In drinking from a goblet or tumbler we should be 
careful not to tip it too much. It is against good 
form to throw the head back and invert the glass or 
to draw the breath in noisily. 

The knife is used in cutting up the food but not in 
conveying it to the mouth; the fork is use of 
used for this purpose. There is a cor- knife, fork, 
rect way of using knife and fork which and spoon 
can be best learned by observing some one who 
does it properly. The fork should be raised by 
the right hand, without crooking the elbow so much 
as to bring the hand around at a right angle to 
the mouth. It should not be overloaded. It is said 
that to pack food upon the fork is a common Ameri- 
can vulgarism originating in the hurried manner of 



46 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



eating at railway stations and hotels. It is an un- 
healthy and inelegant habit. To take but a moderate 
mouthful at a time indicates some refinement if not a 
knowledge of conventional table manners. When the 
plate is passed for a second supply of some article of 
food — which is rarely done except at the home 
table — the knife and fork may be left on it ; or if they 
are liable to fall off or be in the way, they may be 
held in the right hand or placed upon the table in 
such a manner as not to soil the cloth, 

In using the spoon care should be taken not to put 
it too far into the mouth. In drinking tea, coffee, or 
other liquid food from the spoon it should be taken 
from the side. A writer on table manners says: 
"The use of the spoon has its difficulties, and if a 
careless eater makes a hissing sound as he eats his 
soup, the well-bred eater looks around with dismay." 
The spoon should not be left in the cup when drink- 
ing tea or coffee. 

It is surprising how much is almost unconsciously 
inferred regarding people who do not know how to 
use properly and gracefully these three little table 
articles. To use them improperly and awkwardly 
seems to mark the person unaccustomed to society 
or inexcusably unobservant or careless in conforming 
to its accepted rules. Conformity is a virtue so long 
as it does not conflict with that which is of greater 
importance. 



MANNERS AT THE TABLE 



47 



There are many reasons why the time spent at the 
home table should be the pleasantest and ^ - 
happiest of the day. The meeting of 
father, mother, brothers, and sisters there affords 
opportunity for the exchange of thoughtful civilities 
and for pleasant social intercourse hardly possible at 
any other time or place in our busy American life. 
Cheerful conversation is good for digestion as well 
as for enjoyment; therefore we should avoid any 
depressing topic. The table is not the place to tell bad 
news, nor to discuss sickness, accident, or death, or 
whatever is painful or disagreeable to hear. Neither 
is it the place to talk over the details of work or busi- 
ness or to indulge in any conversation that involves 
deep thought. Relaxation from care and a reasonable 
amount of "cheerful jollity" are hygienic and entirely 
consistent with good table-manners. Scolding and 
fault-finding are unpardonable at table as elsewhere. 

Some unselfish ways have already been indicated, 

such as waiting patiently to be helped, 

... . 11 <* i i Unselfishness 

and deference to the lady of the house, 

It ought not to be necessary to mention selfish- 
ness in taking the best when there is any choice 
in the food, but children are often seen picking 
for the largest apple or orange or are heard 
asking for more than their portion of some deli- 
cacy on the table. Real unselfishness, or even a 
training in good manners, would prevent them from 



4 8 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



showing that they see any opportunity for discrimi- 
nation or have any desire for the lion's share. Even 
a greedy look is disagreeable. At our own table we 
should be attentive to the wants of others, and quietly 
supply them when it is proper for us to do so, espe- 
cially remembering old people and little children. 
We should also show our unselfishness in keeping 
reasonably quiet and giving older people a chance to 
lead the conversation. 

If an accident occur, such as breaking a dish, spilling 
a glass of water, or dropping food upon 
the cloth, we should not add to the con- 
fusion and annoyance of the one through whom the 
mishap comes by noticing it, unless we can help to 
repair the mischief in a way not to attract attention 
to the unlucky person. 

"True hospitality welcomes a guest to the heart as 
well as to the home. " The table is con- 
Hospitality s j ( j ere( j as ff er i n g special opportunity 

for exercising this generous trait, and to "break 
bread' ' with each other should be a mark of respect 
and good-will between host and guest. Not only 
should every polite attention be paid the latter, so 
that all his wants may be supplied, but the conversa- 
tion should be on such subjects as are supposed to be 
of interest to him. All family affairs, all personal 
allusions, all undue questioning, all gossip, all refer- 
ence to the food, or at least to any failure in its prep- 



MANNERS AT THE TABLE 



49 



aration should be tabooed. One who is skilled in the 
graces of hospitality at the table will not only minis- 
ter to the body but to the mind as well by bringing 
about that "flow of soul" which is conducive to good 
digestion that "waits on appetite." 

Goldsmith has drawn a pleasant picture of hospi- 
tality : 

"Blest be the spot where cheerful guests retire, 
To pause from toil and trim their evening fire ; 
Blest that abode where want and pain despair, 
And every stranger finds a ready chair; 
Blest be those feasts with simple plenty crowned 
Where all the ruddy family around 
Laugh at the jests or pranks that never fail, 
Or sigh with pity at some mournful tale, 
Or press the bashful stranger to his food, 
And learn the luxury of doing good." 

QUESTIONS 

What lesson may be learned at the table? 
How may unselfishness be shown at the table? 
What is true hospitality? 

What subjects of conversation are undesirable at table? 
Should conventional rules of politeness ever be disregarded? 
, Mention some of the improprieties of the table? 



Manners in Society 



m 

Polite Phrases 
Removal of Hat, .Maps, etc, 
Visiting 

Civilities to Others in Company 

Willingness to Contribute to the 
Entertainment of a Company 

Attention to the Company We are In 

Complimenting 

Introductions 

Answering Questions 

Certain Inelegancies of Manner 

Putting One's Self Forward in Company 

Quotation from Cardinal Newman's 
"Definition of a Gentleman" 



" Commo7i sense and a refined taste are necessary in 
order that uue may conform to the 'etiquette of 
good society'' under varying conditions" 



51 



LESSON VI 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY 

The polite usages of what is definitely called 
"society" are perhaps more formal than those we 
have been considering, yet if we could trace each of 
them back to its origin we should probably find a 
common-sense reason for it. But without knowing 
reasons it is right to adhere pretty closely to these 
rules of social conduct in order that the wheels of 
society may run without friction. Cardinal New- 
man, in his Definition of a Gentleman, says: "He 
is one who is mainly occupied in merely removing 
the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed 
action of those about him, and he concurs with their 
movements rather than takes the initiative himself. 
He carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt 
in the minds of those with whom he is cast." 

Any code of manners should be sufficiently elastic 
to be adapted to different places and differing cir- 
cumstances. Common sense and a refined taste are 
necessary in order that we may conform to the 
"etiquette of good society" under varying conditions. 

Certain expressions accompanied by a graceful 
manner serve to ease the jolts of daily life wonder- 

53 



54 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



fully. It is quite impossible to understand why these 
expressions, so limited in number, so 
phrases eas *'y spoken, and really so potent for 
good, are so often omitted. A request 
beginning, "Will you please," or "May I ask you," 
"Kindly," or "Will you be so kind," uttered in a 
pleasant voice, with a winning smile, invariably meets 
with a willing response. And then a cordial "I thank . 
you," or "Thank you very much" (never "Thanks") 
makes the one who grants the request happy in the 
thought that his readiness to confer a favor has met 
with hearty appreciation. The little civil phrases 
"Pardon me," or "I beg pardon," or "Excuse me" 
will smooth away many a frown caused by some inad- 
vertence or carelessness. There are many civilities 
in language which add much to the charm of a per- 
son's manner that cannot be explicitly formulated in 
a book. To know when to say "Pray be seated," 
"Do not stand without your hat," "Do not rise, I 
beg of you," and a thousand other polite phrases 
depends upon our thoughtfulness and ready tact. 
There is little danger of using these expressions too 
frequently. 

Upon entering any house a gentleman or gentle- 
manly boy will remove his hat. If 
Removal of . „. . , . .,, 

hats, wraps, merely calling at the door he will re- 

etc. move his hat while delivering a message 
or conversing with a lady. It is, however, more polite 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY 



55 



to enter than to keep a lady standing at an open door. 
Any one should remove rubbers, and be careful to 
place waterproof and umbrella where they will no- 
injure carpets or paper. It is allowable for a gentle- 
man to retain his hat in his hand if he does net 
choose to leave it in the hall, but he should not place 
it on a chair or table in the parlor. Unless a call is to 
be very short the overcoat should be taken off. When 
a caller is leaving it is courteous to offer assistance in 
putting on wraps or to render any other service sug- 
gested by the occasion, especially to those older than 
ourselves. 

Among families, friends, or intimate acquaintances 

visits may be left to create their own 

... f . Visiting 

etiquette, JNot to go too frequently to 

the same house, not to stay too long when we do go, 

not to let intimacy overstep the bounds of courtesy are 

points that should be heeded. It is hardly in good 

taste to volunteer a visit unless we have a "standing" 

invitation with every reason to believe that it was 

sincerely given. It is always courteous to apprise 

our hostess of the day and hour she may expect us, 

requesting her to inform us if it will be convenient 

to receive us at that time. When visits are attempted 

as agreeable surprises they seldom prove welcome. 

We should reply at once to an invitation to make a 

visit and not keep our friends waiting in uncertainty 

as to whether we mean to accept or to decline. It is 



56 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



in good form for the one who invites a guest to men- 
tion the Jength of the visit. When this is not defin- 
itely stated, it is often awkward for the visitor not to 
know whether the invitation is for a day or for a week. 
If the time is not designated by the hostess we 
should take occasion as soon as we arrive to announce 
how long we mean to stay, and when the time has 
expired we should not be persuaded to extend it un- 
less we are most earnestly pressed to do so. It is 
more prudent not to make our friends "twice glad." 
On the other hand, there should be no undue urging 
on the part of the hostess or others that the visit 
should be prolonged. "Welcome the coming, speed 
the parting guest" is a maxim to be followed. 

We should learn as much as we can of the regula- 
tions of the house in order to conform to them. 
Notwithstanding all that may be said about making 
ourselves perfectly at home we should be very care- 
ful not to do so. It is related that a Spanish noble- 
man once received as his guest a Scottish friend, 
who, like many Scotchmen, was of a matter-of-fact 
turn of mind and disposed to take everything seriously. 
The host welcomed him with stately courtesy and 
told him to make himself quite at home. "Indeed," 
he added, quoting a national proverb, "consider the 
house your own." Two mornings after, the Spaniard 
was aroused by the sound of hammering, and on 
making inquiry he found that the Scotchman, having 



MAXXERS IX SOCIETY 



57 



come to the conclusion that the room which had been 
assigned him would be the better for a door into the 
garden, had engaged workmen, and was at that 
moment having a hole knocked through the wall. 
Possibly few of our friends would proceed to this 
length, but it is safest for host or hostess not to in- 
dulge in expressions that mean nothing, however 
ornamental and fine sounding they may be. 

In concluding a visit we should tell our enter- 
tainers that it has been pleasant, and express our 
gratitude for their kindness and a hope that we shall 
have the happiness of returning their hospitality. 
After reaching home we should write within two or 
three clays to the friend at whose house we have been 
staying, telling her of our safe arrival and again 
alluding to our enjoyment of the time spent with her. 

Passing directly in front of another person is to be 

avoided if possible. It is better, how- „. 

r . Civilities to 

ever, to pass in front with a polite others 
" Pardon me" than to crowd behind, in company 
A gentleman should open a door for a lady and 
allow her to go through before him, while he holds 
it open. A gentleman precedes a lady in going up 
stairs, but follows her on coming down, being care- 
ful not to step on her dress. Gentlemen should not 
remain seated when there are ladies or older people 
standing in the room. Young people should not 
remain seated, when, by so doing, they oblige their 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



elders to stand. If a handkerchief or anything is 
dropped it is courteous for either a gentleman or a 
lady to pick it up and restore it to its owner. 

We should never be forward in offering our assis- 
tance in entertaining a company other 
^contr^uTe than our own > but if a request to that 
to the enter- effect is made it is much more polite to 

tainment of a com p]y readily and cheerfully and do the 
company 1 J J ' J 

best we can than to wait to be urged, or 

to make many excuses. If we are unable to do what 
is asked of us we should say so politely but firmly. 
If games are introduced, unless there is some good 
reason for refusing, every one who is invited should 
enter into them heartily, and do his utmost toward 
making things pass off pleasantly. This is not for- 
mality, but unselfishness and kindness in contributing 
as much as possible to the enjoyment of all. 

When any one is trying to do his part in enter- 
Attention to tainir, g a company we ought to give him 
the company the same close attention we would wish 
wearein to rece j ve if j n his place. The golden 
rule enjoins this courtesy. When one is reading 
aloud, singing, or playing, it is unpardonably rude 
to talk, or to whisper, or to move about, or to 
look at a watch as if we were impatient for him 
to finish. 

If books, or pictures, or games are provided for 
our amusement we should give interested attention, 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY 



59 



and when once interested we can derive great pleas- 
ure from them, which we should not fail to evince, 

We should give respectful and kindly attention to 
another who is talking to us. No matter if what he 
says is not of great moment, it should be followed 
without interruption. We should not let our eyes go 
wandering about the room, but should look straight 
at the person who is speaking. Nothing is more an- 
noying than to try to talk to some one who is evidently 
not thinking of what we are saying. The art of 
listening well is quite a rare accomplishment. It is a 
courtesy that charms. We have perhaps all heard of 
the gentleman who traveled miles and miles with a 
man whom he declared to be the most intelligent 
person he had ever had the fortune of meeting, and 
never discovered that his companion who listened so 
alluringly was deaf and dumb. 

When it is necessary to discontinue a conversation 
one should ask to be excused. When two persons 
begin to talk at the same time each should vie with 
the other in yielding the privilege of speaking first. 

Oftentimes after a song, or a recital, or something 

done to entertain, we have known an 

, ., r „ Complimenting 

embarrassing silence to rollow on ac- 
count of the failure of the company to bestow a 
little merited praise on the performer. If words 
seem too pronounced at such a time, subdued ap- 
plause may be given. When there is opportunity, 



6o 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



the performer should be sought out and made 
the recipient of a few well-chosen words expres- 
sive of our enjoyment of his part of the entertain- 
ment. 

It is always courteous to commend what is com- 
mendable. One who speaks with authority on the 
subject says: 

" Complimenting is one of the duties of life. No 
one is exempt from the obligation to pay compliments 
at the proper time to the proper person. No one can 
be too humble to be entitled to receive compliments 
from the highest. No one can be too high, or too 
great, to receive compliments from the obscure and 
the humble. Many find it easy to speak words of 
censure but do not seem to think what gratification a 
word of deserved praise affords. The language of 
compliment is not that of mere flattery." 

In making an introduction the gentleman is pre- 
sented to the lady with some such infor- 
Introductions n . „ 

mal speech as this: "Mrs. A, allow me 

to present Mr. B," or " Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the 
honor of meeting you." When two ladies are intro- 
duced the younger should be presented to the older. 
When a lady presents two strangers it is well for her 
to say something to break the formality and make 
conversation easy and agreeable, as, "Mrs. Smith, 
allow me to present Mr. Brown, who has just arrived 
from Europe," so that the two may naturally have a 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY 



61 



subject to talk on, and thus avoid an awkward pause. 
In introducing a professional man his title should be 
named. A lady in her own home should shake hands 
when a guest is presented, It is the custom of gen- 
tlemen to shake hands when introduced to each other. 

When asked a question to be answered by yes or 
no it is considered in better form to say 

"Yes, Mrs. A," than "Yes ma'am." A °swering 

questions 

"Yes, sir," and "No, sir," are allowable, 
but "Yes, Mr. A," is better, When the person 
addressed does not at first understand, the enquiry 
should be "Sir?" or "I beg pardon?" or "What did 
you say, Mrs. A?" or possibly "Yes, Mrs. A?" with 
the rising inflection. 

When in company or when making a call, lounging 
or rocking should not be indulged in. Certain 
Sitting with the chair tipped back or inelegancies of 
with the feet on the rounds is not allow- 
able. Ladies are not to sit with feet or knees 
crossed. Gentlemen should not sit with the feet 
elevated. The feet should remain on the floor and 
should be as inconspicuous as possible. 

Fumbling or fussing with the watch-chain or with 
anything else should be avoided; so also should 
drumming with the fingers or twirling things between 
them. When the hands are not serviceably occupied 
they should be kept quiet. It is said that people 
unused to society do not know what to do with their 



62 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



hands and feet. The best direction that can be 
given is to do nothing with them; do not even think 
of them. Constant motion of hands and feet gives 
one an appearance of restlessness that is not condu- 
cive to elegance of manner. Repose of manner should 
be assiduously cultivated. One of Washington's rules 
of behavior were: "Play not the peacock, looking 
everywhere about you to see if you be well-decked, if 
your shoes fit well, and your clothes handsomely." 

No one should make himself conspicuous by loud 
laughing or talking. While it is proper to be bright 
and lively, and witty if possible, it is not in good 
taste to try to win notice by these means. It is not 
a noble ambition to wish to be a clown. 

A loud or otherwise discordant voice is not a mark 
of the best manner^. If such a voice is natural it 
may be trained and toned down, as in singing. 

"Humming" is disagreeable and impolite. Read- 
ing to one's self is inexcusable. Reading aloud is 
still worse, unless by special request. Demonstra- 
tions of affection are out of place in company or 
anywhere else in public. 

Incessant smiling or laughing is silly; giggling is 
unpardonable. Laughing is permissible when there 
is something to laugh at. To laugh when others 
around us do not know what we are laughing at is 
rude and unkind. 

To exchange glances, to whisper, to make ill- 



MANNERS IN SOCIETY 



63 



natured remarks of people either present or absent 
show a lack of good breeding as well as of good feel- 
ing. 

If letters are brought to us we should not open or 
read them in public unless they require immediate 
attention, and then we should ask to be excused. 

We should not interrupt with questions one who is 
reading or w T riting, and to look over the shoulder of 
one so engaged is an impertinence. 

Putting one's self forward in company is not a sign 

of refinement. We are not apt to think ^ ... 

r Putting one's 

favorably of a person who continually self forward 
talks of himself in a boastful manner. in company 
Some people seem to enjoy relating their own experi- 
ences, from a shipwreck in which they bravely 
figured, to the minutiae of a fit of sickness. Lord 
Chesterfield, in a letter to his son, gave excellent ad- 
vice on this point : 

" Modesty is a very good quality, and generally ac- 
companies true merit; it engages and captivates the 
minds of people. We cannot like a man who is 
always commending and speaking well of himself, 
and who is always the hero of his own story. A man 
who endeavors to conceal his own merit, who sets 
that of other people in its true light, who speaks little 
of himself, and with modest)', makes a favorable im- 
pression upon those whom he meets, and acquires 
their love and esteem." 



6 4 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



A story is told of Lord Erskine, who was a great 
egotist, that in conversation one day with Curran he 
casually asked what Grattan said of himself. "Said 
of himself ?" was Curran's astonished reply. "Noth- 
ing. Grattan speak of himself? Why, sir, Grattan is 
a great man! Torture could not wring a syllable of 
self-praise from Grattan ; a team of six horses could 
not drag an opinion of himself out of him ! Like all 
great men, he knows the strength of his reputation, 
and will never condescend to proclaim its march, like 
the trumpeter of a puppet-show. He stands on a 
national altar, and it is the business of us inferior 
men to keep up the fire and incense. You will 
never see Grattan stooping to do either the one 
or the other." The story would be better if we 
could add that the rebuke cured Lord Erskine of 
talking about himself. But it did not. Egotists 
are unconscious of their failing, and Lord Erskine 
continued to fill his speech with what "I thought" 
and what "I did." 

Cardinal Newman sums up the whole idea of cour- 
Quotation from teous conduct in society in the following 
Cardinal New- manner: 

man's "Defini- _ . , . . _ . . r . 

tion of a "^ 1S a l most the definition or a gentle- 
Gentleman" man to say that he is one who never in- 
flicts pain. 

He carefully avoids all clashing of opinion or col- 
lision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, 



M.-4XXEKS IX SOCIETY 



6; 



or resentment, his greatest concern being to make 
everyone at ease and at home. 

He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender 
toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, and 
merciful toward the absurd. 

He can recollect to whom he is speaking; he 
guards against unseasonable allusions or topics which 
may irritate, he is seldom prominent in conversation, 
and never wearisome. 

He makes light of favors when he does them, and 
seems to be receiving when conferring. 

He never speaks of himself except when com- 
pelled, never defends himself by a mere retort; he 
has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in im- 
puting motives to those who interfere with him, and 
interprets everything for the best. 

He is never mean or little in his disputes, never 
takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities 
or sharp sayings for arguments, nor insinuates evil 
which he dares not say out." 

QUESTIONS 
What is the use of society manners? 

What is the effect of polite phrases upon one who uses them ? 
When are compliments in order? 

What should be our manner when a person is talking to us ? 
In what estimation is the man generally held who is the 
hero of his own story ? 

What does repose of manner indicate? 



Manners at Church 

m 

Punctuality 
Entering Church 
Unseemly Conduct 
Dress 

Courtesy to Stranger 
Conformity 
Manner of Leaving 

u Love doth not behave 
itself seemly" 



67 



LESSON VII 



MANNERS AT CHURCH 

There ought to be no necessity for mentioning 
manners in church, since the associations of the place 
should naturally inspire decorous behavior, but cer- 
tain proprieties are often violated, more, it is to be 
hoped, from ignorance than from a want of respect 
and reverence. Reverence is a habit of mind to be 
cultivated and exercised toward all that is great and 
good. It is a trait of character that we, as Ameri- 
cans, are accused of lacking, and we should hesitate 
to do anything that will furnish foundation for 
the criticism. 

A certain lady was asked why she always went to 

church so early. " Because," said she, 

r ... .. Punctuality 

"it is a part ot my religion not to dis- 
turb the religion of others." Appreciating this idea, 
we should be punctual to the hour appointed for the 
service to commence, or if by accident we arrive too 
late, we should wait at the door during the opening 
exercises, and enter when there is a change in the 
service. Respect for the place, for the congregation, 
and for the clergyman in charge should lead us to 
avoid being late. 

69 



7° 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



We should enter church quietly and soberly. Gen- 
tlemen and boys should remove their 

^hm-ch 2 ^ atS at ^ e ^ 00r — n0t ^ a '^ wa ^ U P ^ e 
aisle. Ladies precede gentlemen. For- 
merly it was the custom, when a lady wished to en- 
ter a pew in which gentlemen were already seated, 
for the latter to rise and pass out that the lady might 
have the most desirable place. This custom still 
holds in some churches, but it is equally courteous, 
considering the slight choice, for gentlemen to keep 
their seats when a lady enters. It saves disturbance, 
and if the services are in progress the interruption is 
not so great. 

It seems more ill-mannered to whisper or to laugh 
in church than anywhere else, because, 
^cond^t"^ although it may not be so intended, such 
conduct has the appearance of irrever- 
ence. Impoliteness of the same nature is shown 
by looking around at new-comers or by twisting 
the neck to ascertain who is seated behind us. 
It is said that this disregard for good manners 
once received merited denunciation trom a Scotch 
clergyman, who astonished his congregation one 
Sunday by calling out the names of those who came 
late. This rebuke, as the old adage says, " killed 
two birds with one stone." It applied not only to 
the dilatory but to the over-curious. 

We should avoid moving about, or opening or shut- 



MA WATERS AT CHURCH 



71 



ting books, or a general restlessness of manner. 
Looking at a watch, as if we were impatient of the 
length of the service, is rude. Reading is disrespect- 
ful to the one who conducts the services. If we 
cannot give respectful attention it were better to stay 
at home. 

Church is not the place for showing off striking 
effects in costume or new fashions. 

Dress 

Here, as elsewhere, there should be ap- 
propriateness in the style of dress. Whatever is 
showy or liable to cause undue notice, if ever worn, 
should be reserved for other occasions, as it has no 
place in church with well-bred people. It is in the 
worst taste to deck one's self out in jewelry and gew- 
gaws — and it indicates a vain and foolish character. 

When an usher brings a stranger to our pew we 
should welcome him by any suitable at- courtesy 
tention in our power. This duty is so to 
self-evident that it hardly seems worthy strangers 
of mention, but it is not an unusual occurrence for a 
person poorly dressed or peculiar in appearance to be 
made uncomfortable by the cold stare or haughty 
glances of the pew-owner. This shows a spirit most 
unbecoming to the place. We should hand strangers 
a book, and if anyone near us seems to have difficulty 
in finding the place we should pass him our own 
open book. At the close of the service, especially 
in small churches, it is kind to hold some con- 



72 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



versation with the stranger and to invite him to 
come again. 

When we enter other churches than our own we 

may find a marked difference in the 

. Conformity 
manner m which the services are con- 
ducted, but if they are such that we may properly 
join in them it is courteous to do so. It is rude to sit 
when the congregation stands unless we have a good 
reason for not rising. If there is anything unfamiliar 
or uncommon in the service it is the grossest rude- 
ness to evince curiosity or to ridicule by talking or 
laughing. As our attendance is entirely voluntary, 
we are inexcusable if we injure the feelings of any- 
one by not conforming at least to the spirit of the 
services and to the ceremonies so far as we have no 
conscientious scruples against them. 

As the time for the close of the service approaches 
Manner we oftentimes see people so much in a 
of hurry to leave the church that they 
leaving drop their books noisily in the rack, and 
with the utmost haste don overcoats and wraps and 
make every preparation for a rush to the door as soon 
as the last word is spoken. Such speed is indecorous; 
so is idle chatter or laughter. We should pass slowly 
and quietly down the aisle with the dignity becoming 
the place and the occasion. 



MANNERS A T CHURCH 



73 



QUESTIONS 

Why does rudeness seem worse in church than elsewhere? 
What is reverence ? 

State reasons for being punctual at church. 
What spirit should be exercised towards strangers in 
church ? 

How far should we conform to church services? 



Manners toward the Aged 

m 

Waiting upon the Old 

Giving Them the Best Seats 

Answering Questions and Listening 
with Attention 

Conversation and Reading 

Refraining from Criticism 

Manners toward the Unfortunate 

Treatment of the Poor and Humble 

7m 



11 Love as brethren, be pitiful, 
be courteous" 



75 



LESSON VIII 



MANNERS TOWARD THE AGED AND THE 
UNFORTUNATE 

Mr. Drummond says that the one secret of polite- 
ness is to love. Love in the form of kindness is the 
sentiment that should actuate us in our bearing 
toward the aged. We should never forget that gray 
hairs are honorable; no matter where we see them 
nor under what conditions, if our hearts are right 
there is an instinctive feeling of respect or sympathy 
or pity for the old that we do not ordinarily experi- 
ence for the young. Even among the lowest races 
veneration for old people is almost universal. If, in 
this connection, we follow the golden rule, and do as 
we would like to be done by, it is possible that when 
we are old we shall be honored and treated with 
gentleness and consideration. The story of The 
Wooden Bowl points a moral : 

An old man who had a home with his son had be- 
come so infirm that he could no longer work. His 
son treated him unkindly, and grudgingly gave him 
his scanty portion of coarse food, making the poor old 
man feel that he was considered a burden by his own 
child. Things grew worse, until at last he was not 

77 



7S 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



allowed to dine with the family. His son made a 
wooden bowl for him, from which he ate in the kitchen. 
One day this son saw his own little boy at work with 
a jackknife and a piece of wood. 

"What are you doing, my child?" he asked. 

"I am making a wooden bowl like grandpa's for 
you to eat out of when you are old, father," said the 
child. 

It is related that this answer made such an im- 
pression upon the son, showing him what treatment he 
had a right to expect from his own children after the 
example he had given them, that thenceforward he 
treated his father with the respect and tenderness he 
hoped for when time should have laid its hand heavily 
upon him. 

As people grow old and are obliged to lay aside 

... ... the more active duties of life it is but 

Waiting 

upon natural that they should lose something 
the old f their buoyancy of spirits in the knowl- 
edge that their usefulness is at an end. It is then 
that those for whom they have cared so long should 
try to bring some brightness into their lives and to 
render their declining years peaceful and happy. As 
their eyes grow dim and their steps feeble, we should 
be quick to perceive their wants, and minister to 
them in such a way as to make them forget their fail- 
ing powers. There are many loving services which 
we can perform for them. Grandmother loses her 



MANNERS TOWARD THE AGED 



79 



spectacles, drops the stitches of her knitting, tries to 
thread the point of her needle. Younger eyes should 
take the place of her own cheerfully and unobtru- 
sively. To find for grandfather his hat and cane, to 
bring him his newspaper and warm slippers, are little 
things, but they serve to make him happy and to feel 
that he is not in the way. Old people are often sen- 
sitive to anything like a slight, and their feelings are 
easily hurt bv a real or fancied neglect. 

Old people are entitled to the most comfortable 
chair, to the warmest corner by the fire Q iving 
in winter, and in the evening to the the best 
place in which their dimmed eyes shall seats 
receive the best light. When an elderly person enters 
a room in which a younger person is occupying the 
easiest chair the latter should not only offer it but 
rise and give it to the older one. At table the seat 
of honor or of greatest comfort belongs to the oldest, 
who should also be served first and have his wants 
carefully attended to. In cars and in public places 
the old should not be allowed to stand; young people 
ought to give up their seats promptly and ungrudg- 
ingly to those whose need is greater than their own. 

If, through forgetfuiness, old people 
' o & > r v Answering 

ask the same question or relate the questions 

same anecdote over and over again, we and listening 

_ ... with attention 
are not to grow impatient. railing 

memory is one of the trials they have to bear, and we 



8o 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



should never do anything to remind them of it, but 
rather reply willingly to their questions and listen 
respectfully to their tales. And if they grow queru- 
lous and unreasonable we ought to humor their whims 
as we would those of a little child, at the same time 
regarding them with the respect that belongs to gray 
hairs. If they are deaf, we should repeat patiently 
and gently, and never shout an answer. 

When old people like to talk about their younger 

days or to dwell upon scenes and inci- 
Conversation J \ 

and dents of the past it is only kind for 
reading ug tQ display an interest in their nar- 
rations. If we love them it is easy to become in- 
terested, and if their experiences have been rich and 
varied we can learn much from them. We ought 
not to be so selfish as to wish to monopolize the time 
in talking about ourselves and our affairs, thus de- 
priving them of the privilege of taking part in the 
conversation. 

One polite attention is to read to the old articles 
and books of their own choice, even if they are prosy 
to us. Time unoccupied hangs heavily upon their 
hands, and oftentimes listening to another's reading is 
the only source of recreation left them. 

Sometimes the old-fashioned expressions of the 

^ , . . aged seem ludicrous to us, and we are 
Refraining fe ' 

from inclined to show our amusement at their 
criticism use> j n \^ en times children were not 



MANNERS TOWARD THE AGED 



Si 



taught so carefully as they now are to speak 
correctly. A habit of speaking once acquired is 
not easily changed ; therefore we should not criticize 
the aged for their quaint phraseology nor try to 
correct them as we would our younger brothers 
and sisters. 

Usually those who have been trained in good man- 
ners when they were young will continue to be good- 
mannered, but when it becomes difficult for the old 
to get about, when failing sight and hearing render 
their perceptions less keen, we must not notice nor 
criticize an occasional lack of polite usage as we 
would in the young. 

It is said that a true gentleman never sees personal 
deformity or blemish. If we possess a Manners 
fine sense of propriety and delicacy we toward the 
shall ever be restrained from staring at unfort unate 
the deformed, the peculiar, or the unfortunate. If we 
have an overweening curiosity of this kind we must 
put it down as vulgar and unrefined. Nothing will 
attract a crowd more quickly than an intoxicated 
person, or some one in the custody of a policeman. 
This proves the vulgarity of the ordinary crowd 
which we should usually shun. The golden rule 
should be in full force when the deformed, the crip- 
pled, the unfortunate, are near us. We should not 
seem to see any peculiarity, much less talk about 
it or ask how it happened. 



82 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



So little pleasure comes into the lives of the very 

Treatment P oor that ^ we can bring them any 

of the poor brightness by our manner toward them 
and humble we 0U ght to consider it a privilege to do 
so. A short sermon bearing on this point was once 
preached by Jacob Abbott, in the following words: 

"A poor old woman was engaged one morning 
washing down the stairs at a hotel. Before she had 
finished her work some travelers who had arrived by 
an early train came in. The first one came hurrying 
along, and without giving the poor woman time to 
move her pail, said to her in a rude and surly voice 
' Can't you take your pail out of the way?' 

He looked upon the woman with an expression of 
contempt, and muttered to one who was with him: 
"What an ugly old creature!" 

Very soon afterwards two other gentlemen came 
in. The older one paused a moment as he came up, 
and then said pleasantly: " Don't move your pail, 
madam; I can step over it." 

She, however, made haste to move it. "I am sorry 
to disturb you at your work," said he, and looked 
down with a smile and a nod as he passed on. 

The poor woman's face was lighted up with some- 
thing like a smile in return, and as the gentleman 
passed on she said to herself : " There's one person, 
at least, who does not hate me." And tears came 
into her eyes. 



MANNERS TOWARD THE AGED 



83 



When the two gentlemen reached the top of the 
stairs the younger one said: "You were very polite 
to that old woman?" 

"Well," rejoined the other, "stop and look at her. 
See her sallow and wrinkled face; and what a sor- 
rowful and careworn expression upon it! There was 
a time when she was young and full of hope, when 
everything looked bright and she was happy. But 
look at her now, poor thing ! We cannot help her 
much, but we can, at any rate, respect her misfor- 
tunes, and speak a kind word to her as we go by." 

Whenever we see a poor man or a poor woman or 
child, we should not look upon them with contempt 
nor address them with reproach, but speak to them, 
if we have occasion to speak at all, kindly and con- 
siderately. Thus, instead of adding to their humili- 
ation and suffering, we shall be doing something to 
lighten their sorrows. 

••Love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous/' 

QUESTIONS 

What feeling should we have toward the aged? 
Mention many ways by which we may show politeness to 
them. 

How should we treat the unfortunate ? 

What is the lesson to be drawn from Jacoh Abbott's 
sermon ? 

What does the story of The Wooden Bowl teach? 



/ 



Manners at Amusements 

m 

Punctuality 
Taking Seats 
Waiting for an Entertainment to Begin 
Gazing About and Making Criticisms 
Looking at a Watch or a Clock 
Applause 
Courtesies to People Xear Us 
Time and Manner of Leaving 

My 

"■Manners are not idle, bid the fruit 
Of noble nature, and of loyal mind 1 '' 



8s 



LESSON IX 



MANNERS AT PLACES OF AMUSEMENT 

Perhaps nowhere are bad manners more disagree- 
able than in public places of amusement. These be- 
ing places to which people are admitted on payment 
of a fee, it becomes actual dishonesty when they are 
defrauded of the pleasure they have paid for by the 
conduct of those about them. A gay group of 
acquaintances who chat freely and audibly during a 
sweet strain in opera or oratorio, whose smothered 
laughter obscures the light and shade of the music's 
loveliest passages, are for the moment thieves and 
robbers. Not that they appreciate the enormity of 
their ill-breeding ; far from it; offences against good 
taste are always very lightly esteemed by those who 
commit them, and the most charitable excuse for 
them is that they know no better. But the annoy- 
ance they cause, the suffering they inflict upon inno- 
cent people who wish to listen, to say nothing of the 
insult they offer to the performers, can hardly be 
overstated. 

When we attend a lecture, concert or other enter- 
tainment it is not polite to performers 
or audience to arrive late. Musicians and Punctualit y 

87 



88 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



lecturers are often extremely sensitive to the slightest 
interruption, and it is unkind and discourteous to 
annoy them. If we really cannot help being late we 
should wait for an intermission, or for the most favor- 
able time, and then enter as quietly as possible. 
When there is a choice of seats we have a right to 
take the best that remains when we 

Taking arrive. But to be over-particular or to 
seats _ r 

lose our patience when we do not get 

our exact preference shows a lack of self-control that 
is even more unseemly in public than in private. It 
is better to have the poorest seat than to push and 
elbow others aside in order to obtain the best. We 
often see surprising exhibitions of selfishness in pub- 
lic on the part of people who pride themselves at 
home and in company on their politeness. 

If we are too early or if there is delay in beginning 
Waiting we should wait with well-bred quiet- 
for an ness. Nothing more surely marks the 

entertainment iH_bred person than noisy demonstra- 
te begin J 

tions of impatience in waiting. A re- 
poseful manner is something to be desired, and wait- 
ing furnishes opportunity to cultivate this grace. 
Loud laughing or talking, eating candy or nuts, 
or doing anything to attract attention or to make 
ourselves conspicuous in any way are in very 
bad form. 

It is rude to stare at people near us, or to turn 



MANXERS AT PLACES OF A MUSE ME XT S9 



and look around the assembly hall as if it were 
important that nothing should escape Qazincr about 
our notice. To criticize people or their and making 

i 4- i u v 4-1 criticisms 

dress, to laugh at the peculiar or the un- 
fortunate, are all marks of ill-manners. A crowd is 
sometimes guilty of rudeness of which individuals that 
compose it would think themselves incapable. Some- 
thing ludicrous happens which ought to pass un- 
noticed, but a thoughtless person starts the laugh 
and it ripples through the crowd before anyone 
realizes what he is doing. An instance of this kind 
once occurred at a high school graduation. A half- 
crazed woman wandered into the hall and the audi- 
ence laughed audibly. The poor creature was fright- 
ened and confused and began to talk; the laughter 
burst out anew. Just as those in charge of the exer- 
cises began to fear a serious disturbance, a young man, 
one of the graduates, took his own chair and, stepping 
from the platform, politely offered it to the bewild- 
ered woman. She accepted it with gratitude and 
kept quiet during the remainder of the exercises, 

' It was a simple thing to do, and yet this young 
man was seemingly the only one in the great audience 
who had the thoughtfulness to avert an unpleasant 
interruption by a courteous and graceful act. Doubt- 
less the people who "did not think" envied the young 
man his fine manners. The moral of this incident 
for us is that we should be particularly on our guard 



9° 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



when in a crowd and not be swayed to do that which 
at another time we should consider cruel and discour- 
teous. 

•To take out one's watch or to look at a clock dur- 
Lookingata ing an ent ertainment is like saying we 
watch or a are not enjoying ourselves and are feel- 
clock j n g impatient to go. If the speaker sees 
this it is apt to affront or dishearten him when he is 
doing his best to amuse or to instruct us. If it is 
necessary for us to know the time we should take out 
our watch without being seen and be careful that the 
click of shutting it is not loud enough to be heard. 
It is proper to show pleasure if the entertainment 
affords it. It is even a kindness to a 

Applause 

speaker, singer, or other performer to 
give some sign of our appreciation. As the custom is 
to applaud, it is rather dispiriting to the performer 
when applause is lacking or faint. But it should not 
often be boisterous or very long continued. Occa- 
sionally when enthusiasm runs high over some really 
meritorious performance we can excuse tremendous 
applause ; but even then rapping upon the floor 
with canes, stamping of feet, and whistling hardly 
seem complimentary to audience or performer. 

When in a public gathering and even among 

Courtesies to stran g ers we should not be unmindful 
people of certain small courtesies which add to 
near us tne en j yment of others. We should 



J/AXXEXS AT PLACES OF AMUSEMEXT 



hand our program or opera-glass to one near us who 
has none, and if a question is asked about the per- 
formance we should answer with cordial politeness 
to the best of our ability. 

It is the part of a lady or a gentlemen to remain 

until the close of an entertainment, even , 

lime and 

though it does not prove very interest- manner of 
ing If there is urgent reason for leav- leaving 
ing, — for instance, in order to take a train — we should 
do so during an intermission and as noiselessly as possi- 
ble. To leave just before the conclusion of an enter- 
tainment in order to avoid the crush or to secure the 
best seat in a car is an exhibition of selfishness, and 
the additional comfort gained is not worth the 
sacrifice of good manners required to obtain it. 
Usually some choice part of a program is left until the 
last, and neither the performers nor the listeners 
should be disturbed by the confusion of preparations 
for departure. It is the custom of Theodore Thomas, 
the noted orchestral leader, to signal his musicians to 
stop abruptly in the midst of a number, if the least 
disturbance arises. Many a time the well-bred 
people in an audience are defrauded of much of 
the last selection by the rude and ill-bred who 
leave in unseemly haste. If the example of Mr. 
Thomas were more generally followed it might prove 
a lesson in manners to the thoughtless and selfish. In 
public as well as in private we have no better maxim 



9 2 



LESSON'S ON MANNERS 



to follow than to do unto others as we would that 
they should do unto us. 

QUESTIONS 

Explain how rudeness may become dishonesty at places of 
amusement. 

What exhibitions of selfishness are sometimes seen at such 
places? 

What caution should we observe when in a crowd? 
What kind of applause is complimentary? 
Show how the golden rule applies to the manner of leaving 
an entertainment. 



Manners in Traveling 



Manners at the Station 
Buying Tickets 
Getting On and Off the Cars 
Obtaining Seats 
Offering Seats to Ladies 
Leaving Seats Temporarily, Etc. 
Laughing. Talking. Eating 
Civility towards Officials 
Civilities to Fellow-Travelers 
French and American Manners Compared 



"For seldom yet did living creatzire see 
That Conrtesie and manhood ever disagree" 



93 



LESSON X 



MANNERS IN TRAVELING 

It is often remarked that there is no better 
opportunity for studying human nature than that 
afforded by traveling. In the hurry and rush, 
on crowded cars and boats, and in the midst of 
strangers, people are off' guard, and uncon- 
sciously exhibit their actual traits of character. 
We need not take a long journey to witness selfish- 
ness that few would indulge in, if they thought 
themselves observed. The true lady or gentleman 
is never betrayed into a display of ill-manners. 
Mr. Drummond says: "A gentleman cannot in 
the nature of things do an ungentle, an ungentle- 
manly thing; but the ungentle, the inconsiderate, 
unsympathetic nature cannot do anything else." It 
does not need a training in politeness, if the heart is 
right, to enable us to perceive how many small cour- 
tesies we can render our fellow-travelers to beguile 
the tedium of a journey. We should never thrust 
our favors upon strangers so as to be considered for- 
ward and officious, but when we can give real assis- 
tance we should do so. A charming illustration of 
good manners was recently shown in an all-day's 

95 



9 6 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



ride between New York and Richmond. A sad- 
faced woman, with three little children, had her 
hands and heart full with the care of a crying babe. 
The pitiful wail of the tiny creature did not strike a 
sympathetic chord in every heart, as was seen by the 
look of annoyance on many faces, but it touched one. 

"Let me take the little fellow, madam." 

The speaker was a handsome youth in the uniform 
of a West Point cadet. His bright, winning face, his 
arms held out, captivated the baby, who presently 
resigned himself to the gentle strength which 
cradled him so softly, and as he walked to and fro in 
the car the wearied mother drew a long breath of re- 
lief, for her little one's eyes had drooped at last into 
a deep and refreshing slumber. That youth had fine 
manners. He knew how to make a common kind- 
ness beautiful. 

Oftentimes, especially in small places, a crowd 

, gathers at the station whenever a train 
Manners at & 

the comes or goes, as if it were a sight not to 
station j 3e ] ost ^ j t j s j n p 0Qr ^ste t display 

listless curiosity anywhere, and it is not people of the 
greatest refinement who frequent a station for this 
purpose. Unless we have some good reason for go- 
ing to a train it is better not to be seen with idlers 
there. When in the waiting room, if it is crowded, we 
ought to remember the comfort of those older than 
ourselves, or of mothers with little children in their 



MAXA'EXS AY TRAVELING 



97 



arms, and cheerfully resign our seats to them. There 
is often opportunity here to confer some trifling 
favor on the poor and humble, to brighten up life a 
little for them and to lead them to feel that there is 
still some loving kindness in the world. To amuse a 
fretful child, or to bring a glass of water to a tired 
mother, or to get a trunk checked for a nervous 
old lady costs us an effort not at all commensurate 
with the assistance and gratification it affords the 
receiver. 

Ladies who are unattended seem to feel an anxiety 
in traveling that gentlemen do not ex- 
perience. They appear troubled and tickets 
hurried, rushing to the ticket-window as 
soon as it is opened, sometimes even elbowing their 
way for fear the time will prove too short for them to 
secure a ticket and board the train. But the agent 
usually knows his business well enough to be at his 
post in season for all to buy tickets comfortably, and 
if other people are as punctual as he is there is no 
occasion for worry. If we know the amount of the 
fare it facilitates matters to hand in the exact change. 
We should not take the time to ask a long series of 
questions of the ticket-seller, but if information is 
necessary it should be asked for in the briefest and 
most business-like way, and the answer acknowledged 
with thanks. 

The same rush usually occurs in getting on the 



9 8 



LESSON'S ON MANNERS 



train as at the ticket-office. Because of this passengers 
Getting on getting off are hindered by those at- 
and off tempting to get on, and matters are not 
at all expedited by such unbecoming 
haste. A good picture of the much ridiculed 
American habit of hurrying is presented when 
a company of people crowds up on the steps while 
another company crowds down. In leaving the 
cars it is better to wait until the train comes to a full 
stop before rising, thus avoiding the undignified ap- 
pearance of staggering down the aisle and the danger 
of pitching headlong when the motion of the train 
finally ceases. 

The same cautions apply to obtaining seats in cars 
as at places of amusements. It is our 

Obtaining x \<xW^ to take the best if we are not 
seats & 

obliged to do it at the expense of good 

manners. To occupy more room in any thronged 
conveyance than our ticket entitles us to take is an 
open exhibition of selfishness. Unless there is plenty 
of unoccupied seats we have no right to dispose our 
parcels and wraps in such a way as to discourage any 
one from asking for the seat beside us. It is, how- 
ever, no uncommon sight to see a well-dressed woman, 
with her possessions arranged upon a seat facing her, 
sit unconcernedly, without offering to move them, 
when others are standing in the aisle. And if any 
one has the courage to ask for the seat, and does so 



MANNERS IN TRAVELING 



99 



politely, the request is often granted most ungra- 
ciously. Further acquaintance with such a person is 
unnecessary to confirm our opinion of her ill-breeding. 

Courtesy does not absolutely require a gentleman 
to give up his seat to a lady in a crowded offering 
car, but it is pleasant to see that fine seats to 
politeness which prompts its possessor ladies 
to treat every lady as he would wish his mother or 
sister to be treated. A lady should accept such 
civility with proper acknowledgment, but too often 
she sinks into the seat offered her as if it were her 
right, without a word of thanks. This seeming in- 
gratitude is doubtless the cause of the change in cus- 
tom, as it was once considered rude for a gentle- 
man to remain seated in a car when a lady was 
standing. 

A sister who took a just pride in her brother 
said of him: "My brother never sits in a car in 
which a woman is standing. She may be a girl 
with a peachy cheek and violet eyes, or an old crone 
carrying home her marketing, a stately lady richly 
dressed, or a buxom dame with somebody's weekly 
washing in her basket. To him it is quite the same 
— she is a woman — and it is not his custom, as a 
member of the stronger sex, to sit in easeful comfort 
-while a woman balances on two uncertain feet, or 
clings desperately to a strap in a jolting, swaying car." 
The sister added that she had no patience with those 



100 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



of her girl friends who accept such courtesy as his 
without even the grace to say "Thank you." She 
held that good manners on the road as well as in the 
house require the acknowledgment of every kind act 
by a prompt expression of thanks. 

Some time ago a lady who resides in a college- 
town, and who is as remarkable for her dignified bear- 
ing as for her personal beauty and elegance, entered 
a crowded horse-car in which there was a number of 
students, all of whom arose to offer her a seat. She 
accepted one with thanks. Presently a poor woman 
entered with a heavy bundle in her arms. Not a seat 
was offered. The lady waited a moment, and find- 
ing that no notice was taken of the woman, arose and 
asked her to take her seat. At once a dozen young 
men sprang up, but she coldly declined the attention 
and remained standing, greatly to the discomfiture 
of the collegians. It was a quiet but effective 
rebuke. 

If any one leaves his seat for a short time without 
Leaving some parcel, wrap, or other article in it 
seats to show that it belongs to him, he can- 
temporarily, no t rightfully claim it on returning, 
etc • « 

Courtesy forbids our taking a seat when 

we know that it may soon be claimed by another. If 
there is an unoccupied seat beside a person we should 
not take it without asking if it is engaged. If any one 
asks to sit beside u$ we should assent with cordiality, 



MANNERS fN TRAVELING 



IOI 



not manifesting impatience at being disturbed. As 
the seat next the window is considered the choice one, 
a gentleman should offer it to a lady. 

Loud talking and laughing in cars or in other public 
conveyances is unrefined. A party of Talking 
young girls once entered an elevated laughing, 
railway car already filled with pas- eating 
sengers, They were pretty, well-dressed, and in- 
telligent-looking, but they laughed so boisterously, 
talked so free!)' of their own affairs, and so disdain- 
fully regarded the older people in the car that it 
was quite plain they were ignorant of good 
manners, Constant eating of fruit or candy, or nuts 
generally accompanies loud talk and laughter and 
similar rude behavior. On along journey it is neces- 
sary to eat luncheon, but to do this in a well-bred 
way is a very different thing from the continual 
munching indulged in by a certain class of travelers. 

It is a civility due a conductor to have our tick- 
ets ready when he calls for them. Ladies ^. .... 

J t t Civility 

are apt to be delinquent in this respect, towards 
often consuming much time in looking officials 
in bags and pocket-books for the missing article. 
We should thank a trainman who raises a window or 
shuts a door for us, or train-boy who passes us a cup 
of water. We need not be ungracious if the latter 
frequently urges his comfits upon us or puts a maga- 
zine or a book in our lap every few moments. We 



102 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



can better afford to decline his wares with civility 
than to add to his discomfort and to our own by surli- 
ness or petulance. 
• No gentleman will see a lady trying to open or to 
Civilities to s ^ut a window, to reverse a seat, or to 
fellow take a bundle from the rack without 
offering to help her. The service should 
be politely acknowledged and the gentleman should 
touch his hat as he turns away. 

We should be patient in answering questions, and 
should, so far as it comes in our way, relieve the aged 
or those unaccustomed to traveling from any anxiety 
relating to their safe arrival at the desired destina- 
tion. Although we should be slow in making the 
acquaintance of strangers whom we meet in travel- 
ing, it is not in bad form to speak of objects of 
interest, as we pass them, to anyone sitting near. 
In comparing the politeness of French children 

„ with that of boys and girls of Amer- 

French and . . J ° 

American ica a writer relates the following: 

manners «j was traveling in a compartment 
compared w ^ a little French boy of twelve, the 
age at which American children, as a rule, deserve 
killing for their rudeness and general disagreeableness. 
I sat between him and the open window, and he was 
eating pears. Now most boys in our country, of that 
age, would either have dropped the cores upon the 
floor or tossed them out of the window, without 



MANNERS IN TRAVELING 



103 



regard to anybody. But this small gentleman, every 
time, with a ' Permit me, sir/ said in the most pleas- 
ant way, rose and came to the window and dropped 
them out, and then with a 'Thank you, sir/ quietly 
took his seat. French children do not take favors as 
a matter of course, and unacknowledged. And when 
in his seat if an elderly person came in, he was the 
very first to rise and offer his place, if it was in the 
slightest degree more comfortable than another; and 
the good nature with which he insisted on the new- 
comer's taking it was delightful to see." 
The writer further adds : 

" Politeness with the French is a matter of educa- 
tion as well as of nature. The French child is taught 
that lesson from the beginning of its existence, and it 
is made a part of its life. It is the one thing that is 
never forgotten, and the lack of it never forgiven. " 

QUESTIONS 

Why does traveling afford a good opportunity for studying 
character? 

Does courtesy require a gentleman to give up his seat in a 
crowded car to a lady? 

Discuss loud talking, etc., in public conveyances. 
Mention civilities to be shown to fellow-travelers. 
Compare French and American manners. 



Manners in Stores 



m 

Courtesy to Salesmen 

Handling Goods 

Fault-Finding 

The Over-Economical Shopper 

Courtesy to Other Shoppers 

Visiting in Stores 

Two Stories for Those Who May 
Become Clerks 

Conduct in a Post-Office 

80 



"We should consider not only the courtesy we owe to 
others, but the respect we owe to ourselves"" 1 



io 5 



LESSON XI 



MANNERS IN STORES AND OTHER PLACES 
OF BUSINESS 

A little thought will disclose to us how much 
our happiness depends on the way other people bear 
themselves toward us. The looks and tones of those 
we meet, the conduct of our fellow-workers or em- 
ployers, the faithful or the unreliable people we deal 
with, what people say to us on the street or in the 
school or the shop or wherever we meet them — 
these things make up very much of the pleasure or 
the misery of our lives. We may turn the idea 
around, and remember that just so much are we 
adding to the pleasure or to the misery of other 
people's existence. And this is the half of the matter 
which we can control. Whether any particular day 
shall bring to us more of happiness or of suffering is 
largely beyond our power. Whether each day of our 
life shall give happiness or suffering rests with our- 
selves. Most of our time is largely concerned with 
business affairs; consequently our greatest oppor- 
tunity for contributing to the well-being of others 
comes through our business relations and the 
occurrences of every-day life. 



io8 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



A goodly supply of forbearance is needed in shop- 
Courtesy P m §> k ut no true l a ^y or gentleman will 
to lose temper, even when a clerk is imper- 

salesmen tinent and disobliging. Indeed, like be- 
gets like in shopping as in other transactions; if those 
who buy are courteous and pleasant it is usually 
reciprocated by the salesman. We should not make 
unnecessary trouble for clerks by asking them to 
take down goods which we do not intend to purchase. 
This is so frequently done that it not only tries their 
patience but adds greatly to their work. We should 
ask definitely for what we want, and when we have seen 
the article, make up our minds quickly in regard to 
buying it, rather than to dawdle over the decision and 
waste the time of all concerned. If we wish merely 
to examine before buying at some future time, it is 
better to say so, and then the merchant will not be 
disappointed if we do not purchase. When a clerk 
takes great pains to please us, we should not forget 
to express our appreciation of his efforts. 

The hand is of great assistance in ascertaining the 
quality of many goods which we intend 

H goods S t0 P urcriase > ar] d ^ i s legitimate to use 
it properly, but to pull over and toss 
about laces and ribbons and other delicate fabrics, 
and leave them rumpled and tangled, indicates a lack 
of fine taste and of consideration for those with whom 
we are dealing. 



MANNERS IN PLACES OF BUSINESS 



109 



The practice that is called cheapening or beating 

down the price has nearly gone by in 

first-class shops and with well-bred Fault 

finding 

shoppers. Most tradesmen have a fixed 
price for everything and will not abate. Yet there 
are still those who think that one of the great arts of 
shopping is to disparage the articles shown to them, 
to exclaim at the price, and to assert that at other 
places they can get exactly identical goods at 
considerable less cost. In this, as in all business 
transactions, it is best for both parties to adhere to 
the truth. If we really like an article we should 
gratify the salesman by saying so. If we know that 
the price is a fair one it is wrong to attempt to get it 
lowered. 

Selling to a very close economist, particularly if 
she can well afford a sufficiently liberal The over _ 
expenditure, is very trying to the sales- economical 
man. The length of time such a person sno PP er 
will ponder over each thing before she can "make up 
her mind," the ever-besetting fear that she may have 
to give a few cents more in one store than in another, 
her long deliberation as to whether a smaller than 
the usual quantity may not be "made to do," her 
predilection for bargain-seeking in far-off streets, and 
the trouble she gives to the people behind the coun- 
ter are witness to an ill-breeding based upon petty 
penuriousness and lack of a delicate sense of honesty. 



no 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



When others are standing at the same counter 
Courtesy to w ^ us we snou ^ politely wait our turn, 
other regarding their convenience before our 
shoppers own< We gh^i^ not demand the atten- 
tion of a clerk who is occupied with another customer, 
nor exhibit curiosity in what others are buying. If 
we are in great haste and customers who seem to have 
plenty of time are at the counter before us we may 
ask their permission to be waited on while they are 
examining goods, apologizing for doing so. Interfer- 
ing with other people who may be standing near, by 
either praising or deprecating any of the articles they 
are looking at, is a piece of gratuitous impertinence. 
They should be left to the exercise of their own judg- 
ment, however faulty it may be, unless they ask 
advice. 

If we meet an acquaintance unexpectedly in a store, 
Visiting we should not engage in a long conver- 
ts sation with her, and thus detain the 
stores 

salesman from waiting upon other custo- 
mers. We should complete our purchases first and 
then step aside and converse. A store is hardly a 
suitable place for social intercourse, and certainly not 
for an interchange of confidences, as bystanders may 
overhear. 

"The other day, wishing to buy a portiere for a cer- 
tain doorway in my house, I visited a shop where 
such articles were displayed in abundance. It may 



MANNERS IN PLACES OF BUSINESS 



III 



seem strange, but I could not make a selection in 

that establishment where fabric and 

. , . . , . Two stories 

color and price were in widest variety, f or t b 0se who 

because of the manner of the salesman, may become 

clerks 

This young man antagonized me by his 
lofty patronage. He began by informing me that I 
did not know what I wanted, scoffed at my taste, and 
altogether made himself so insufferable that I left the 
place without becoming a purchaser. A half hour 
later, in another store, I bought not only the article 
of which I had been in search, but several others 
which I had not intended to procure. In this case 
the clerk was kind, polite, and respectful, leaving to 
his customer the right of private judgment. " 

"Once when General Grant was in Chicago," said 
an army official, "he lounged about Sheridan's head- 
quarters a good deal. His son Fred was at that time 
on Sheridan's staff, but was absent one day, and the 
General took his place at Fred's desk to look after the 
business. A nervous, irritable old gentleman came 
in to inquire for some paper that he had left with 
Fred. When he stated his case General Grant took 
up the matter in a sympathetic way, and proceeded, 
after the manner of even an over-anxious clerk, to 
look the paper up. The document could not be 
found, and General Grant, apologizing, walked with 
the old gentleman to the door. As I walked down 
the stairs with the mollified visitor, he turned and 



112 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



asked: 'Who is that old codger ? He is the politest 
clerk I ever saw at military headquarters. I hope 
Sheridan will keep him/ I answered quietly, 'Why 
that is General Grant/ The old gentleman was 
dumb. His astonishment was too great for expres- 
sion. " 

The post-office is a public place the use of which 



institution, but really because it furnishes a shelter in 
which to meet and converse with acquaintances and 
friends. Those whose taste inclines them to linger 
there are usually the ones who indulge in loud talk 
and laughter, stare idly at the comers and goers, 
crowd to the windows and clamor for their letters, 
and make themselves extremely obnoxious to the 
clerks and to all well-bred people. Our only object 
in going to a post-office should be to mail or to 
receive letters, to purchase stamps, or to attend to 
other like business, which we should do in as 
quiet and as respectable and expeditious a man- 
ner there as we would at a merchant's or a 
banker's. 



Conduct 

in a 
post-office 



is often abused. Often,, groups of 
young- people gather there, ostensibly 
to transact business peculiar to the 



QUESTIONS 



Mention the proprieties of shopping. 

How should we conduct ourselves toward salesmen? 



4* 

MANNERS IN PLACES OF BUSINESS i 13 



Discuss the practice of u beating down" or driving a sharp 
bargain. 

What lesson is to be drawn from the incident related con- 
cerning General Grant? 

What opportunities come to us through our business 
relations? 



Manners in making Gifts 



mi 

To Whom Shall We Make Gifts 



Considerations in Giving 



Use to be Made of Gifts 



Accepting Gifts from Gentlemen 



Acknowledgment of Gifts and Favors 



11 The gift without the giver 
is bare" 



"5 



LESSON XII 



MANNERS IN MAKING AND IN RECEIVING 
GIFTS 

The custom of making presents prevails so largely 
in this country that it has come to be a matter of 
serious import, needing its own code of rules to keep 
it within the bounds of good taste and courtesy. If 
the virtue of gratitude were cultivated by the lavish 
giving of presents it might be worth while to keep up 
the custom, but too often it degenerates into a kind 
of business traffic, with no accompanying sentiment 
but that of sordidness. Thus gift-making defeats its 
own ends, and probably it is due to this fact that 
favors which cannot be bought or paid for with dollars 
and cents are so little valued and so carelessly and 
indifferently acknowledged. The lack of refinement 
in making gifts and the lack of appreciation of small 
favors are two fruitful sources of criticism on Ameri- 
can manners. 

It is a pleasant custom for members of a family or 

for intimate friends to exchange gifts at v 

53 fe To whom 

Christmas or on birth-days or to com- shall we 

memorate some event that we wish es- make gifts? 
pecially to hold in recollection. It is one of the 

117 



n8 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



amenities of life that creates good fellowship, and 
does its part in keeping alive the fire of friend- 
ship. It brings good cheer to the home, and engen- 
ders a feeling of love and tenderness for father, 
mother, brother and sister. To make presents out- 
side of the family circle is a subject to be care- 
fully considered. We must first feel assured that a 
person will welcome a gift from us. Possibly he may 
not wish to incur an obligation, or he may think him- 
self bound to make a return when he is unable to do 
it. It is as indelicate to put one under an uncom- 
fortable sense of obligation as it is to begin the 
bestowal of gifts upon those in better circumstances 
than ourselves. We can hardly do the latter without 
leaving ourselves open to the charge of mercenariness 
in our giving or of a hope that our gift will be repaid 
by another far more valuable. When the object is 
something rare or unique which cannot be purchased 
and which may be seen and used to greater advantage 
in the house of our more wealthy friend, it may be 
allowable to bestow it. But to give an expensive 
article of dress, jewelry, furniture, or bric-a-brac to 
one whose means of buying such things are quite 
equal, if not superior, to our own savors of toadyism. 
We should not prize a gift, whether bestowed or re- 



Considerations 



giving 



in 



ceived, for its value in dollars and cents. 
Even in charitable giving we know that 
the poor widow who gave out of her 



MANNERS CONCERNING GIFTS 1 19 

penury, and but a mite, was as highly commended for 
her spirit of benevolence as if her gift had been much 
greater. It is the same in gifts of friendship. Lowell 
says: 

"The gift without the giver is bare," 

and he who gives because of the mere value of the 
gift, and without the fine feeling that should prompt 
the giver would do better not to give at all. We 
should not give beyond our means. The old maxim 
that ' charity begins at home/ is a sound one to 
adopt. On the whole it is better not to make too 
costly gifts, and thus turn what should be a pleasure 
into a burden. The gift should be selected with 
reference to the one who is to receive it. There are 
persons who believe that presents are made for mer- 
cenary reasons, and who make a point of repaying 
them as soon as possible by a gift of something equiv- 
alent in value. This does not indicate delicacy of 
feeling, as it implies suspicion of the donor's motive. 
If prompted by the right sentiment in giving, the 
donor will justly feel hurt at being directly paid for 
his gift and consider that he has been treated in- 
sultingly. 

"One of the most difficult things to learn and to 
practice in social ethics is the duty of remaining 
gracefully under a sense of obligation. The sturdy 
honesty of the Anglo-Saxon, his very independence 
and love of balance, prompt him immediately to 



120 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



return a favor, unmindful of the fact that a quick 
repayment of a favor is a kind of ingratitude and 
that it savors more of wounded pride on the part of 
the one than of kindly feeling toward the other. 
The worst possible return for a kindness is at once to 
make an ostentatious show of an equal return. 

"You gave me that, I give you this; and now we 
are quits" — may not be said in words, but that 
matters little if it is said as plainly in deeds." 

Having accepted a present it is our duty, and it 
Use to be ou ght to be our pleasure, to let the 
made of giver see that we make use of it as 
gifts intended — and that it is not thrown 
away upon us. If it is an article of dress or personal 
decoration, we should take occasion on the first suit- 
able opportunity, to wear it in the presence of the 
giver. If an ornament for the table or for the 
parlor, we should place it there. If a book we should 
not long delay in reading it, and should speak of 
it to the giver as favorably as we can. 

It is dishonorable and rude to give away a present, 
at least without obtaining permission from the 
original giver. We have no right to be generous at 
the expense of another or to accept a gift with the 
secret determination to bestow it upon somebody 
else. If it is an article that we do not want, that we 
cannot use for ourselves, or if it duplicates something 
we already possess, it is best to say so candidly, at the 



MANNERS CONCERNING GIFTS 121 



same time expressing our thanks for the offer, and 
requesting our friend to keep it for some other person 
to whom it will be of more service. 

Young ladies should be careful how they accept 
gifts from gentlemen. No truly modest Accepting 
and refined girl will incur such obli- gifts from 
gations as this entails. And no gentle- gentlemen 
man who really respects her will offer her anything 
more costly than a bouquet or a book or some 
inexpensive trifle that perhaps derives its chief value 
from association. To present a young lady with 
articles of jewelry or of dress, or with an expensive 
ornament ought to be regarded as an affront rather 
than as a compliment, excusable only in one who is 
ignorant of the niceties of society. And if he is so 
untutored she should set him right, and civilly, but 
firmly refuse to be his debtor. 

On accepting a gift acknowledgment should be 
made at once. To be left in doubt as Acknowledg . 
to whether it has been received is not ment of gifts 
flattering to the donor. It is an accom- and favors 
plishment, and worthy of cultivation if we do not 
naturally possess it, to be able to express gracefully 
our gratitude for favors received. Travelers say that 
even in the heart of Africa, the natives consider it a 
punishable offence to neglect to thank a person who 
confers a benefit. 

"Why do you suppose Madame B has so many 



122 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



friends ?" asked a young girl about an aged lady who 
received a great many visits and tokens of remem- 
brance. " Everybody seems to like her." 

"I can give you one reason," answered her friend: 
"She is always grateful for every kindness, and shows 
that she appreciates even the slightest favor — a 
flower, the loan of a book — whatever it may be, by a 
prompt and hearty recognition of any attention, any 
personal thoughtfulness on the part of others." 

QUESTIONS 
Discuss the practice of making gifts. 

When should the making of presents be carefully considered, 
and why? 

How is toadyism displayed in gift-making? 
In what does the value of gifts of friendship consist? 
Discuss the practice of making a speedy return of a gift. 
What use should we make of presents which we have 
accepted ? 



Manners in Borrowing 

m 

Care of Borrowed Articles 
The Borrowed Umbrella 
How to Return Borrowed Articles 
When to Return Borrowed Articles 
Borrowing Money 
Lending 
The Borrowed Tiger 

u The gentleman is always the 
gentleman " 



LESSON XIII 



MANNERS IN BORROWING 

Borrowing is not a commendable practice. It is 
much better to buy. The article is then our own, 
it is always at hand, we are not responsible to anyone 
as to its safety, while in our possession, and we lay 
ourselves under no obligations. Whenever possible 
it is better to go without than to borrow. It is an 
old saying that "He that goes a borrowing, goes a 
sorrowing," but it might often be more truly said that 
the sorrowing falls to the lender. Slackness and in- 
difference are usually characteristic of the frequent 
borrower, and he is as apt to be as neglectful in 
returning as he is in providing himself with whatever 
he needs for the near future. The only compensation 
for borrowing is to see that the article is speedily 
returned. 

We should be more careful of a borrowed article 

than if it were our own. Under no care of 

consideration should we take the liberty borrowed 

articles 

of lending anything we have borrowed 
without the owner's permission. Perhaps books are 
most liable to this abuse of privilege. Oftentimes 
people who believe themselves honest will lend a 

125 



126 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



borrowed book to half a neighborhood, and if it is 
soiled or injured, or even lost, will give themselves no 
concern about it. 

Neatness, and regard for the owner, require a 
borrowed book to be covered and its fly-leaves and the 
margins of its pages to be kept free from remarks 
with pen or pencil. Aside from the defacement we 
have no right to obtrude upon other readers unasked- 
for opinions. 

We should be particularly careful of borrowed 
magazines, as the loss of one number spoils a whole 
set. 

If a borrowed book is irreparably damaged it is 
our duty to replace it by another copy, and if that 
cannot be procured, all we can do is to buy a work of 
equal value and to present it as the only reparation 
in our power. We should observe the same rule with 
all borrowed articles lost or injured. The lender is 
surely not the person to suffer from the negligence of 
the borrower. 

It is astonishing how many people seem to consider 
The themselves exempt from responsibility 

borrowed in returning a borrowed umbrella. Fre- 

umbrella q Uen tly it is never thought of by the 
borrower till after the weather clears up, the lender 
most probably suffering inconvenience for the want 
of it. Often it is kept until the next rain, when the 
lender has to take the trouble of sending for it. And 



MANNERS IN BORROWING 



127 



then it is very possible that it may not be found at all, 
some person having in the mean time taken possession 
of it. In such a case it is a matter of common 
honesty for the careless borrower to replace the 
umbrella with a new one, as he is not to suppose that 
empty expressions of regret or unmeaning apologies 
will be sufficient compensation for a substantial loss. 

When a book is lent to us we should read it as 
soon as we can conveniently do so, How to 
and when we return it say whatever return borrowed 
pleasant things we can with truth. articles 
To send it back to the owner without making 
acknowledgment of his kindness is inexcusable. 

With regard to the practice of borrowing articles of 
household use, it ought not to be done frequently, 
particularly when we live in a place where all such 
things can be easily obtained by sending to the 
market for them. Still there are persons who, with 
ample means of supplying themselves with all these 
domestic commodities, are continually troubling their 
neighbors for the loan of this or that. If they must 
be borrowed, an equivalent in measure and quality 
should be promptly returned. It would seem a 
graceful and generous act to give even a little more 
than we borrowed to make up for the trouble to the 
lender. 

It is not polite to keep a borrowed article for a 
long time. If we agree to return it at a certain 



128 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



time we should endeavor to fulfill our promise; it 
When to re * s un P ar donable to compel the owner 
turn borrowed to send for his property. The owner 
articles should not ask for it unless he posi- 
tively needs it or unless the borrower is habitually 
remiss in returning. If possible we should return 
a borrowed article ourselves or send it directly 
by a servant. There should be no carelessness 
in the matter. On no account should we ask the 
owner to carry home anything we have borrowed 
of him. 

We should avoid borrowing money and especially 
small sums or change, for it is possible 

B money 12 we ma ^ ^ or S et * re P a y it and be 

suspected of forgetting wilfully. Even so 
small a sum as street-car fare should be repaid, no 
matter how much the lender protests about the insig- 
nificance of the amount. 

"I never ask a gentleman to return money he has 
borrowed," said one man to another. 

"How, then, do you get it?" asked his friend. 

" After awhile," was the answer, "I conclude he is 
not a gentleman, and then I ask him." 

The same reasoning will apply in borrowing other 
things as well as money. 

When we know that whatever is borrowed will be 
returned without injury, we should lend 
Lending w ^h cordial politeness, and not with an 



MANNERS IN BORROWING 



129 



ungraciousness that brings discomfort to the bor- 
rower. But we should regard borrowing as an evil, to 
be resorted to only when we have no other alternative. 

Cardinal Alberoni had a large quantity of silver 
plate, among which were various salt- The 
cellars wrought in the forms of different borrowed 
animals. A friend of his Eminence bor- tlger 
rowed one made in the shape of a tiger, but forgot 
to return it within a reasonable period. At length, 
after the lapse of six or seven months, he sent it back, 
requesting, at the same time, the loan of another in 
the shape of a tortoise. 

"You are sent," said the cardinal to the messenger, 
"to borrow one of my salt-cellars?" 

"Yes, your Eminence." 

"You will be good enough to tell your master that 
I lent him one in the shape of a tiger, which is one of 
the swiftest animals on earth, and it has been more 
than six months in returning; were I to lend him the 
tortoise, which is the slowest of animals, I fear it 
would never return." 

This story illustrates the fact that the borrower 
who is extremely slow in returning is liable to have 
his honesty as well as his courtesy questioned. 

QUESTIONS 

What is better than borrowing? 
Speak of the care of borrowed things. 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



What course should be pursued when anything borrowed is 
lost or destroyed? 

How long may we keep a borrowed article and not trans- 
gress the rules of politeness? 

When too slow in returning what charge is liable to be made 
against us? 



Manners in Correspondence 

m 

Material for Letter -Writing 

The Form of a Letter 

Letters of Introduction 

Reading Other People's Letters 

Miscellaneous Directions 
Concerning Letters 

Cards and Notes 

"Civility costs nothing and 
buys everything' 1 '' 



LESSON XIV 



MANNERS IN CORRESPONDENCE AND IN 
CARDS 

Letter-writing as once carried on is becoming a 
lost art. An almost perfect postal service, cheap 
postage, telegraph, telephone, type-writer, and various 
other less direct causes have nearly done away with 
correspondence in the old sense. Before the day of 
railroads, when journeys were less easily and quickly 
made, visiting was conducted by means of long letters 
in which friends communicated family and other 
affairs which are now usually talked over face to face. 
As the writing of long letters has decreased they have 
been more than supplanted by short letters, notes, or 
cards, which have created quite an intricate etiquette 
of their own. 

There is much attention now paid to the paper 
on which letters are written, and we Materials for 
should expend enough thought upon letter 
this detail of good form to ensure us writing 
against a charge of impoliteness or rusticity. It may 
be a matter of minor importance, but conformity 
to prevailing custom and style does not indicate 
a lack of common sense, as certain people seem 

*33 



134 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



to think. Thick white or cream unruled paper, 
folded square and put into an envelope that matches 
it in quality, tint, shape and size is always considered 
in good taste for letters of friendship or for invitations. 
Tents of green-gray, mignonette, pale lavender, pale 
blue, and pearl are seen in use upon writing tables of 
young women of good taste who hold back from ex- 
tremes in everything. Paper that is decorated in 
one corner with flowers is in exceedingly bad taste. 
The plan of having all the note paper stamped with 
the address is an admirable one, as it conveys 
necessary information concerning the place to which 
the answer is to be sent, an item often omitted by 
absent-minded people. This address should be 
printed, or, what is better, engraved at the head of 
the paper in rather plain, small letters, and may be 
in colors, although black is perhaps preferable. The 
ink for writing should be black. Good penmanship 
is desirable, and as it is said to be characteristic of 
the writer, care should be taken not to have it in- 
dicate marked untidiness or carelessness. 

A letter consists of six parts: the heading, the 
The form address, the salutation, the body, the 
of a complimentary ending, and the writer's 
letter signature. 
The heading should give the place and date of 
writing. It may occupy one, two, or three lines, ac- 
cording to the space it requires. It should begin near 



MANNERS IN CORRESPONDENCE 1 35 

the top, and about half-way across the page toward 
the right*. The whole of the date should be on one 
line. Except in business letters it is allowable to 
omit the heading and write the same items at the 
left of the page, lower than the signature. When 
this is done it is well to write the day of the month 
in words. 

The address consists of the name and title of the 
person or firm to whom the letter is written. Some- 
times, especially in business letters, the residence, or 
place of business is added. It is polite to use an 
appropriate title with the name of the person 
addressed, such as Mr., Mrs., Miss, Dr., Rev., Hon., 
etc. The address may occupy as many lines as are 
necessary. It should be lower than the heading, 
beginning near the left margin of the paper. In 
familiar letters the formal address may be dispensed 
with. The form of salutation depends upon the one 
who is writing, the one addressed, and the degree of 
intimacy between the two. It is not necessary to be 
conventional in the salutation of familiar letters. 
When a gentleman writes even formally to a lady it is 

proper to use the address: Dear Mrs. or Dear 

Miss . 

No precise directions can be given for the body 
of the letter. A business letter should be con- 
cisely, clearly and politely expressed. In any letter 
the too frequent use of the pronoun I should be 



136 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



avoided. None but the most common abbrevia- 
tions should be employed, and no figures except in 
connection with dates or large sums of money. The 
sign should not be used except in the name of 

a firm. 

The complimentary ending is a courteous assur- 
ance of good faith, respect or affection which is added 
to the body of the letter. Something should be said 
in keeping with the style of the letter, and the 
relation of the writer to the person addressed. In 
business or formal letters the common forms are: 
Yours truly, Yours respectfully, Very truly yours, etc. 
In extremely formal letters, Your obedient servant 
is sometimes used. For friendly or familiar letters 
there is a great variety of forms, such as Faithfully 
yours, Cordially yours, Yours sincerely, Ever most 
gratefully yours, and many others. The signature 
should be written distinctly on the line following the 
complimentary ending, and should preferably consist 
of the full name, and not of a nickname. A lady 
when writing to a stranger should write her name so 
as to show whether she is to be addressed as Miss or 
Mrs. Either of these words may be put in paren- 
thesis before the name. In writing to an acquaint- 
ance the signature should not be preceded by these 
words. 

The superscription consists of the name and title 
with the name of the town or city, state, and some- 



MANNERS IN CORRESPONDENCE 137 



times the street and number. Much care should be 
taken to write the superscription correctly and 
clearly. The stamps should be evenly placed, right 
end up, near the upper right hand corner. 

A letter should be conversational in style, contain- 
ing in a condensed form just what we wish to com- 
municate. It is of no use unless it conveys some 
information or excites some interest. It may be 
handsomely written, correct in spelling, punctua- 
tion, and construction, and yet so destitute of ideas 
as to offer no excuse for its having ever been written. 

As a letter is said to be indicative of character and 
attainments, in writing to a stranger it is of special 
importance to attend closely to both form and con- 
tents. A neatly written, well worded letter, concise 
and to the point often affords a valuable recommen- 
dation for the writer, while one of opposite descrip- 
tion proves a great hindrance to success. 

It is not well to have secrets, but having them it is 
unsafe to trust them to paper, as letters may go 
astray and be read by other eyes than by those for 
whom they were intended. We should be careful 
not to write anything to the disadvantage of another. 
This is even more reprehensible than to speak against 
a person. We may praise and admire, but we should 
beware of how we blame. Our judgment may be 
wrong, and we do not know when it may come up 
against us and make us sorry we ever penned it. 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



Letters of introduction are similar in form to other 
Letters letters. They should not be sealed. It 
of is uncivil not to give the one for 
introduction w h m we have written the letter a 
chance to read it if he desires to do so. Under the 
superscription should be written — " Introducing Mr. 
A." It is better to deliver an introductory letter in 
person, as the one whose good offices have been 
requested in our behalf may thus be spared the 
trouble of calling, or of appointing a place of meeting. 
If the letter is sent we should enclose a card con- 
taining our address. When a stranger brings us a 
letter of introduction we should show him every 
attention in our power in order to be courteous both 
to him and to the mutual friend who writes it. 

To break the seal of a letter directed to another 
Reading person is punishable by law. To read 
other people's secretly the letter written to another is 
letters a violation of the law of honor. One 
who acts thus meanly would not hesitate to apply 
eyes or ears to key-holes, or to embrace any oppor- 
tunity of listening to a conversation not intended for 
him to hear. Parents are sometimes privileged to 
inspect the correspondence of children, but brothers 
and sisters should always take care that their letters 
shall not be unceremoniously opened by one another. 
A letter is theproperty of the person to whom it is 
addressed, and no one else has a right to read it with- 



MAXXEXS IX CORRESPOXDEXCE 139 



out permission. In general we should make it rather 
a point of honor not to read to others letters written 
to us. While it may not be quite courteous, because 
implying lack of confidence, to request a correspon- 
dent to keep our letters private, it is less discourteous 
than to give over to the public what was designed for 
one person only. 

We should not feel bound to write to every one 

who bes:s us to do so, but should choose . „ 

. Miscellaneous 
prudently whom we will have in that re- directions 

lation, and when we have a few choice concerning 

letters 

correspondents we should not neglect 

them to the extent that we are compelled to begin 

every letter with an apology. 

Unless to persons living in the same house it is 
unwise to enclose one letter in another; even then 
it is not always safe to do so. It is better to send 
each letter by mail, with its full direction and its own 
postage-stamp. We should confide to no one the 
delivery of an important letter intended for another 
person. 

Always enclose a stamp when a reply is asked as a 
business favor. This is a rule of politeness often 
violated. 

It is not well to try to become familiar with all the 
intricacies of card etiquette demanded cards 
from one devoted to society, but there and 
are many occasions when cards serve a notes 



140 



LESSONS ON MANNERS 



good purpose and are exceedingly convenient. There- 
fore we should learn some of the more common uses of 
these bits of pasteboard. Cards vary in style at 
different times and for different purposes, and when 
purchasing them it is best to consult a stationer who 
is supposed to know "good form" in this matter. In 
general it may- be said that they should be scrupu- 
lously plain. Titles are rarely used on visiting cards. 
A gentleman should prefix Mr. to his name and a 
young lady Miss. The name should be engraved 
rather than printed. 

In making a formal call, if a servant opens the 
door, our card should be sent in. If the one upon 
whom we wish to call is not at home a card should 
be left. If, in making the first call of the season, we 
are admitted by the one upon whom we call or by a 
member of the family we should leave a card as we 
pass out. If we call upon more than one person at 
the same house a card should be left for each one 
unless the number is absurdly large. 

When invited to a reception or to a wedding, and 
it is impossible to attend, if the affair is in town it is 
customary to call soon and leave cards for those in 
whose name invitations are issued. If out of town, 
either a visiting card or a note should be sent, to reach 
its destination on the day of the event. When it is 
asked by the hostess that we inform her whether we 
can accept her invitation or not, we should send word 



JfJXXEXS IX CORRESPOXDEXCE 141 



with the same degree of familiarity or formality that 
she employs. Xo one should economize politeness in 
accepting or declining an invitation. 

A card is always sent with flowers, books, bon- 
bons, fruits — any of the small gifts that are freely 
offered among intimate tnends. But in acknowl- 
edging these gifts or attentions a card is not sufficient 
return ; a note should be written within a day's time. 
To omit this courtesy shows rudeness and ingratitude. 

It is customary to leave a card at a reception, but 
not after a tea. 

The etiquette of cards may seem trivial, but they 
afford a way of showing many delicate and not 
over-familiar courtesies which it might not be possible 
to do in this busy country in any other way. 

QUESTIONS 

How much thought are we justified in spending upon the 
details of good form in letter-writing? 

Give directions for the heading of a letter. 

In addressing a letter what is the polite usage regarding 
titles? 

Describe letters of introduction. 

How can we acquire the accomplishment of writing a 
graceful letter or note? 



Ce$$on$ on morals 

Adapted to 
Grammar Schools, High Schools 
and Academies 

By Julia M* Dewey 

Author of " How to Teach Manners " and 4 Ethics for 
Home and School." 

Cloth, 304 pages. Price, cents- 

List of Contents 



Lesson I — The Study of 
Morals. 

Lesson II — Duties to 
the Body. 

Lesson III — Cleanli- 
ness. 

Lesson IV — Dress and 
Surroundings. 

Lesson V — E x e r c i s e, 
Recreation, etc. 

Lesson VI — Industry. 

Lesson VII — Economy. 

Lesson VIII — Honesty. 

Lesson IX — T r u t h f ul- 
ness. 

Lesson X — Time. 

Lesson XI — Order. 

Lesson XII — Courage. 

Lesson XIII — Love. 



Lesson XIV — Benevo- 
lence. 

Lesson XV — F orgive- 
n e s s. 

Lesson XVI — Kindness. 

Lesson XVII — Kind- 
ness to Arimals. 

Lesson XVIII — Friends 

Lesson XIX — The 
Home. 

Lesson XX — The School 

Lesson XXI — The Com- 
munity. 

Lesson XXII —The 
State. 

Lesson XXIII — S e 1 f 

Culture. 
Lesson XXIV — Nature. 
Lesson XXV — Art 
Lesson XXVI — Reading 



Price for introduction, bo cents. Will take other works on 
Morals in exchange, and make a generous allowance for them. 

Hinds & Noble, Publishers 
4-5-64243-14 Cooper Institute New York City 



Hinds & Noble's 

Publications 




Cooper Institute 
New York 



Commencement Parts. " Efforts" for all occasions. Orations, 
addresses, valedictories, salutatories, class poems, class mottoes, 
after-dinner speeches, flag d^ys national 
holidays, class-day exercises. Models for 
every possible occasion in high-schcol and 
college career, everyone of the " efforts" 
being what some fellow has stood on his 
feet and actually delivered on a similar 
occasion— not what the compilerwoz//^ say 
if he should happen to be called on for an 
ivy song or a response to a toast, or what 
not ; but what the fellow himself, when his 
"turn came, did say ! $1.50. 

New Dialogues and Plays. Life-like 

episodes from popular authors like Steven- 
son, Crawford, Mark Twain, Dickens, 
Scott, in the form of simple plays, with 
every detail explained as to dress, make- 
up, utensils, furniture, etc., for school-room 
or parlor. $1.50. 

College Men's 3-Mimte Declamations. 

Up-to-date selections from live men like Chauncey Depew, Hewitt, 
Gladstone, Cleveland, President Eliot (Harvard) and Carter 
(Williams) and others. New material with vitality in it for prize 
speaking. Very popular. $1.00. 

College Maids' 3-Minute Readings. Up-to-date recitations 
from living men and women. On the plan of the popular College 
Men's Declamations, and on the same high plane. $1.00. 

Pieces for Prize Speaking Contests. $1.00. Nearly ready. 

Acme Declamation Book. Single pieces and dialogues. For 
boys and girls of all ages; all occasions. Paper, 3octs.; cloth, 50 cts. 

Handy Pieces to Speak. Single pieces and dialogues. Primary, 
20 cts.; Intermediate, 20 cts.; Advanced, 20 cts. All three for 50 cts . 




Pros and Cons. 



Complete debates of the affirmative and nega- 
tive of the stirring questions of the day. A de- 
cided hit. This is another book invaluable not 
only to high-school and college students, but 
also to every other person who aspires to con- 
verse engagingly on the topics of the day. Our 
foreign policy, the currency, the tariff, immi- 
gration, high license, woman suffrage, penny 
postage, transportation, trusts, department 
stores, municipal ownership of franchi-es, 
government control of telegraph. Both sides of 
these and many other questions completely de- 
bated. Directions for organizing and conduct- 
ing a debating society, with by-laws and par- 
liamentary rules. $1.50. 

New Parliamentary Manual, By 

H. C. Davis, compiler of " Commencement 
Parts." 75 cents. Nearly Ready. 

Ten Weeks Course in Elocution (Nor- 
mal Reader). With numerous and varied selections for illustration 
and practice. $1.25. 




Character Building. Inspiring suggestions. $1.00. 

Mistakes of Teachers corrected by common sense (the famous 
Preston Papers). Solves difficulties not explained in text-books 
which daily perplex the conscientious teacher. $1.00. 

Best Methods of Teaching in Country Schools (Lind' s), $1.25. 
Page's Theory and Practice of Teaching. With Questions 

and Answers. Paper, SO CtS. Cloth, $1.00. 

Psychology Simplified for Teachers. Gordy's well-known 

"New Psychology." Familiar talks to teachers and parents on 
how to observe the child-mind, and on the value of child-study in 
the successful teaching - and rearing of the young. With Qiies- 
/w^ on each Lesson. $1.25. 'lwenty-sixth thousand ! 

The Perceptionalist. Hamilton's Mental Science, rev. ed. $2. 

Smith's New Class Register. The best of record books. 50 cts. 

Likes and Opposites. Synonyms and their Opposites. 50 cts. 

Letter Writing. Newhandy rules forcorrectcorrespondence. 75c. 

Punctuation. Hinds & Noble's new Manual. Paper, 25 cts. 

New Speller. Hinds & Noble's new graded lists of 5000 words 
which one must know how to spell. 25 Cts. 

Craig's COMMON SCHOOL Questions with Answers, $1.50. 

Henry's HIGH SCHOOL Questions with Answers. $1.50* 

Sherrill's New Normal Questions with Answers. $1.50. 

Quizzism and its Key (South wick). $1.00. 

Moritz' 1000 Questions. For the Entrance Examinations to 
the New York High Schools, the New York Normal College, the 
College of the City of New York, St. Francis Xavier's College, 
West Point, Annapolis, and the Civil Service. 30 cents. 

Answers to same. 50 cents. 

Recent Entrance Examination Questions. For the New York 

Normal College, the College of the City of New York, St. Francis 
Xavier's College, Columbia College, the High Schools, Regents' 
Exam's, West Point, Annapolis, and the Civil Service. 30 cents. 

Answers to same. 50 cents. 

How to Prepare for a Civil Service Examination, with recent 

Examination Questions and the Answers. 560 pages, $2.00. 
Abridged Edition, without questions and answers, 50 cents. 

How to Become Quick at Figures. Enlarged Edition. $1.00. 
Bad English. Humiliating " Breaks" corrected. 30 cts. 
Composition Writing Made Easy. Very successful. Five 

Grades, viz.: A, B, C, D, E. 20 cts. each. All five for 75 cts. 

1000 Composition Subjects. 25 cents. 

U. S. Constitution in German, French, and English, parallel 
colztmns, with explanatory margiral Notes. Cloth, 50c.; paper, 25c. 

Bookkeeping Blanks at 30 cts. per set. Five Blank-Books to 
the set. Adapted for use with any text-book— Elementary, Prac- 
tical, or Common School. Used everywhere.— Price, 30 cts. per set. 

Object Lesson Cards (Oliver and Boyd). 48 Cards, 13 x 20 
inches. $28.00. 

Lessons on Morals (Dewey) 75 cents. In preparation. 

Lessons on Manners (Dewey) 75 cents. In preparation. 



Dictionaries: The Classic Series. Half morocco, $2.00 each. 

Especially planned and carefully produced to meet the require- 
ments of students and teachers in colleges, and high schools. 
Up to the times in point of contents, authoritative while modern 
as regards scholarship, instantly accessible in respect to arrange- 
ment, of best quality as to typography and paper, and in a binding 
at once elegant and durable. Size 8x5^ inches. 

French-English and English-French Dictionary, 1122 pages. 

German-English and Eng.-Ger. Dictionary, 1112 pages. 

Italian-English and English-Italian Diet., 1 187 pages. 

Latin-English and English-Latin Dictionary, 941 pages. 

Greek-English and English-Greek Diet., 1056 pages. 

English-Greek Dictionary. Price $1.00. 

Dictionaries : The Handy Series. " Scholarship modern and 

accurate; and really beautiful print." Pocket edition. 

Spanish-English and English-Spanish, 474 pages, $1.00. 

Italian- English and English-Italian, 428 pages, $1.00. 

New-Testament Lexicon. Entirely new. $1.00. 

Up-to-date in every respect — typographically, and lexico- 
graphically. Contains a fine presentation of the Synonyms 
of the Greek Testament, with hints on discriminating usage, 

Liddell & Scott's Abridged Greek Lexicon, $1.20. 

White's Latin-English Dictionary, $1.20. 

White's English-Latin Dictionary, $1.20. 

White's Latin-English and Eng.-Lat. Diet., $2.25. 

Completely Parsed Caesar, Book I. Each page bears inter- 
linear translation, literal translation, parsing, grammatical refer- 
ences. All at a glance without tur?iing a leaf. $1 . 50. 

Caesar's Idioms. Complete, with English equivalents. 25 cts. 

Cicero's Idioms. As found in "Cicero's Orations." 25 cents. 

Shortest Road to Caesar. Successful elem. Latinmethod. 75Cts. 

Hossfeld Methods: Spanish, Italian, German, French, $1.00 

each. Keys for each, 35 cts. Letter Writer for each, $1.00 eac h. 
German Texts, with Footnotes and Vocabulary : — Wilhelm 

Tel), Neffeals Onkel, Minna v. Barnhelm. Nathan derWeise, Emilia 
Galotti, Hermann und Dorothe . Six volumes, 50 CtS. each. 

Brooks' Historia Sacra, with 1st Latin Lessons. Revised, 

with Vocabulary. Price 50 cents. This justly popular volume, 
besides the Epitome Historiae Sacrae, the Notes, and the Vocabu- 
lary, contains 100 pages of elementary Latin Lessons, making it 
practicable for the teacher, without recourse to any other book, 
to carry the pupil quickly and in easy steps over the ground pre- 
paratory to a profitable reading of the Epitome Historiae Sacrae. 

Brooks' First Lessons in Greek, with Lexicon. Revised 

Edition. Covering sufficient ground to enable the student to 
read the New Testament in the Greek. Price 50 Cts. 

Brooks' New Virgil's iEneid, with Lexicon. Revised Edition. 
Notes, Metrical Index, Map, Questions for Examinations. $1.50. 

Brooks' New Ovid's Metamorphoses, with Lexicon. Expur- 
gated and adapted for mixed classes. With Notes, and Questions 
for Ex amino Hons. Price reduced to $1 . 50. 

Hinds & Noble's Hebrew Grammar, $1.00. 



Character Building 

By C S* Coler, M, So 

Cloth, Price, Si. 00 

What we want to appear in character, we 
must put into our schools. If, as teachers and 
parents, we permit selfishness, dishonesty, and 
sham in children, we need not be surprised if we 
see these things in society and in the world. — 
From the Author s Preface. 

Contents 
L Aims in Character Building 
EL Psychology of Character Building 
IIL Ethics of Character Building 
IV, Methods in Character Building 
V* Growth in Character 
VI. Habit, In Relation to Character Building 
VII. Study, In Relation to Character Building 
VIIL Education, In Relation to Character Building 

IX. The Parent, In Relation to Character Building 

X. Character and American Citizenship 
XI* Inspiring Thoughts and Helps 

The following subjects have been carefully 
considered by the author : Discipline, Acquisi- 
tion, Assimilation, Appreciation, Aspiration, Ex- 
pression, Consciousness, Will Power, Conscience, 
Duty, Methods of Teaching, Habit, and Moral 
Instruction. 

Several teachers have ordered copies for their 
pupils — others have used it as a text-book in the 
class-room. One teacher ordered twenty-four 
copies to present to her graduating class. 

Dr. W. H. Scott, Professor of Ethics and Psychology in 
Ohio State University , Columbus , 0., in commenting upon 
the merits of the book, writes: " Your book on 1 Character 
Building' is inspirifig. I do not see how a?i intelligent yoiuig 
person can read it without being lifted i)ito the realm of 
higher ideas and noble purposes. Every teacher will find it 
full of help." 

HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers 
4-5-6-I243-J4 Cooper Institute New York City 

School Books of All Publishers at One Store 



Commencement Parts* 



cloth — Price $1.50 Postpaid — twelvemo 

Here is a book full of the real thing, and con- 
taining nothing but the real thing I 

The models here — every one a complete address 
— are not composed by the compiler to show what 
he would say if he should happen to be called on for 
a class poem, or an ivy song ; a valedictory, or an 
oration ; a response to a toast, an essay, a recitation, or 
what-not. Not at all! But every one of the "efforts" 
in this book is real — in the sense that it is what some 
one did do on the particular occasion when he actu- 
ally had to stand up and speak. This entitles them 
to be designated models in a genuine sense. 

If you are called upon, for any occasion (no 
matter what) during your whole high- school or college 
career, and wish a model to show how some one else 
has risen to a similar opportunity, we think you will 
discover by a glance at the list of contents of Com- 
mencement Parts some illustration of exactly what 
you require. Note also the lists of class mottoes, 
subjects for orations, essays, themes, toasts, etc. 

Besides the above we publish also the following, of interest to 
those who have to * * appear in public on the stage. ' ' And we can't 
think of any "effort" throughout one's whole career that is not 
provided for — from the little tot's first curtsy, and along through 
the school and college years, to the debate of important civic 
Problems by the adult before his fellow citizens : — 

Pros and Cons. Both sides of live question^. $1.50. 
Playable Plays. For school and parlor. $1.50. 
College Men's Three-Minute Declamations. $1.00. 
College Maids" Three- Minute Readings. $1.00. 
Pieces for Prize-Speaking Contests. $1.00. 
Acme Declamation Book. Paper, 30c. Cloth, 50c. 
Handy Pieces to Speak, 108 on separate cards. 60c. 
List of " Contents " of any or all of above free on request if you mention 
this ad. 
Be NOBLE, Publishers, 
4-5-I3-I4 Cooper Institute, 3J. Y. City. 

^dioolQOoks of all publishers at one store* 



Pros and Cons 



The Affirmative and the Negative of the Questions Of The Day 
in the form of 



cloth— Price $1.50 Postpaid— twelvemo 



Something new, something practical, something up-to-date. 
A book that exactly fits into these last years of this wonderful 
last decade of the passing century. 

Besides giving complete directions for the organization and 
the conduct of Debating Societies in accordance with parliamen- 
tary procedure, this book in many of its debates presents the 
speakers as actually addressing their hearers from " the floor," 

each speaker in turn with his arguments the first speakers 

for the affirmative and the negative in turn ; then the second 
speakers in turn ; in some cases, the thud speakers ; and then 
the summing up by the leaders. 

The array of arguments thus marshalled constitutes an intelli- 
gent and intelligible statement of ever}' principle and every fact 
affecting the questions debated, thus providing not only an ex- 
haustive study of each question enabling a thorough mastery of it 
for knowledge sake, but also furnishing a thoroughly instructive 
and decidedly lively and entertaining program for an evening's 
pleasure and profit. 

Among the important topics discussed are the following : — 
Government Control* Immigration* 
Our Foreign Policy* The License Question* 

The Tariff* The Suffrage* 

The Currency Question* Postage* 
Transportation* Our Commercial Policy. 

And many others. 

There is also a list of '* questions" suitable for debate, several of 
which are "briefly outlined" to assist the student to prepare and to 
deliver his own " effort." 

Essays and orations, many of them suitable for commencement 
parts, Salutatory and Valedictory addresses, supplement the debates, 
the whole providing for the student at college and the high-school 
scholar, the parent at home, and the man of affairs, just that equip- 
ment that one needs not only for thinking out the questions that every- 
body is talking about, but for arguing them in a convincing snanner. 




HINDS & NOBLE* Publishers 



4-5-J3-J4 Cooper Institute 



New York City 



Schoolbooks of all publishers it one store 



NEW DIALOGUES AND PLAYS 

PRIMARY—INTERMEDIATE— ADVANCED 

Adapted from the popular works of well-known authors by 
BINNEY GUNNISON 

Instructor in the School of Expression, Boston; 
formerly Instructor in Elocution in Worcester Acad' 
emy and in the Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute. 

Cloth, 650 Pages - - - Price, $1.50 

Too many books of dialogues have been published with- 
out any particular reference to actual performance on plat- 
form or stage. There are no suggestions of stage business ; 
the characters neither enter nor leave ; while the dialogue 
progresses, no one apparently moves or feels emotion. Noth- 
ing is said at the beginning of the dialogue to show the situa- 
tion of the characters; no hints are given as to the part 
about to be played. In plays, as ordinarily printed, there is 
very little to show either character or situation — all must be 
found out by a thorough study of the play. This may be 
well for the careful student, but the average amateur has no 
time, and often only little inclination, to peruse a whole play 
or a whole novel in order to play a little part in an enter- 
tainment. 

Perhaps the strongest feature of our book is the carefully 
prepared introduction to each dialogue. Not only are the 
characters all named in order of importance, but the charac- 
teristics, the costumes, the relation of one to another, age, 
size, etc., are all mentioned. Most important of all is what 
is called the "Situation." Here the facts necessary to a 
clear comprehension of the dialogue following are given 
very concisely, very briefly, but, it is hoped, adequately for 
the purpose in hand. The story previous to the opening of 
the dialogue is related ; the condition of the characters at 
the beginning of the scene is stated ; the setting of the plat- 
form is carefully described. 

There has been no book of dialogues published containing 
so much of absolutely new material adapted from the best 
literature and gathered from the most recent sources — this 
feature will be especially appreciated, 

May we send you a copy for inspection subject to your 
approval ? 

HINDS & NOBLE 

Publishers of 3- Minute Declamations for College Men 
3-Minute Readings for College Girls, Handy Pieces to Speak 
Acme Declamation Book, Pros & Cons (Complete Debates) 
Commencement Parts (Orations, Essays, Addresses), Pieces for Prize 
Speaking Contests (in press). 

4-6-J3-H Cooper Institute New York Citir 



PIECES FOR : t : : 
PRIZE-SPEAKING 
CONTESTS : : : : : 



A collection of over one hun- 
dred pieces which have taken 
prizes in prize-speaking contests. 
Cloth, 448 pages. Price, $1.25. 



PUBLISHED BY 

HINDS & NOBLE 

4-5-6- \ 2- \ 3- H Cooper Institute, New York City 



O Books for your Library Q 

No Private School, High School or College Library- 
is complete without having on its shelves one or more of 



the following books for its students to refer to. 

Teachers are ordering many of these books for their 
own personal use. 

Mistakes in Teaching (Preston Papers) $1.00 

Craig's New Common School Question Book, with Answers 1.50 

Henry's New High School Question Book, with Answers 1.50 

Gordy's New Psychology 1.25 

Mackenzie's Manual of Ethics 1.50 

Lind's Best Methods of Teaching in Country Schools. . . . 1.25 

Page's Theory and Practice of Teaching 1.00 

Character Building (Coler) 1.00 

A Ten Weeks' Course in Elocution (Coombs) 1.25 

Commencement Parts (Valedictories, Orations, Essays, etc.) 1.50 

Pros and Cons (Both Sides of Important Questions Discussed). . , 1.50 

Three Minute Declamations for College Men 1.00 

Three Minute Readings for College Girls 1.00 

Pieces for Prize Speaking Contests (Craig & Gunnison).. 1.00 

New Dialogues and Plays (Gunnison) 1.50 

Classic French-English, English-French Dictionary 2.00 

11 German-English, English- German Dictionary 2.00 

" Italian-English, English-Italian Dictionary 2.00 

11 Latin-English, English-Latin Dictionary 2.00 

" Greek-English, English-Greek Dictionary 2.00 

Handy Spanish-English, English-Spanish Dictionary 1.00 

" Italian-English, English-Italian Dictionary 1.00 

Shortest Road to Caesar (Jeffers) 75 

How to Prepare for a Civil Service Examination 2.00 

How to Become Quick at Figures 1.00 

Likes and Opposites (Synonyms and Antonyms) 50 

Hinds & Noble's New Letter Writer .75 

Quizzism and Its Key (Southwick) 1.00 



We will send postpaid, subject to your approval, 
any of the books on this list upon receipt of the price. 
Mention " Books for your Library " when you write us. 



HINDS & NOBLE, Publishers 
4-5-6-12-13-14 Cooper Institute New York City 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Dec. 2004 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724) 779-2111 



